Happy Birthday, Sidg!
Dec. 8th, 2003 05:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hathycolIt dawned on me that I will have no internet time tomorrow. As such, this little... thing... is being posted early.
It's in honour of the lovely![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mettanna's birthday, and by my count, contains 85 of the things from her interests list. flickerswitch beta-ed it today.
Have a brilliant birthday!
Summary: SG-1 (+1) gate to a very strange planet indeed, and find a whole list of things. Daniel has a gay moment. Jack Sparrow wears a kilt. Jack Bauer screams like a woman. Eddie Izzard is dressed like a woman, and he's not the only one. And meanwhile, three girls sit up in the peanut gallery, watching and occasionally cackling...
Jack stared. “Trees, Carter. Again.”
For what wasn’t the first or the last time, Sam wasn’t listening. Instead, she was staring around at her surroundings. “I don’t understand, sir. This was supposed to be a desert planet. I have no idea what’s gone wrong, actually…”
“Well, why don’t we just dial back and find out there?” suggested Daniel peacefully. In truth, he didn’t really mind. His allergies seemed to have died the first time he did, and as such it was a rather nice experience, being able to join in Jack’s astronomy in the forest. The aurora borealis was surprisingly beautiful under a canopy of fir trees. And the sunsets! Wow. He shook his head and brought himself back to reality, which was rather less pleasant. “Where’s the DHD?”
“Oh, crap.”
“Hey guys!”
Silence fell over as Jonas Quinn stood up in front of SG1, innocently blinking and looking as confused as they did. He suddenly looked worried. “Don’t tell me you forgot who I was!”
Teal’c was the first to break the silence. “We did not, Jonas Quinn.”
Jack was less tacit. “What is going on, exactly? More to the point, where did you come from?”
“You don’t know?”
“And I’d be asking why?”
Jonas shrugged. “I hoped you did, actually. I was at home, and suddenly WHOOSH I was here. Still,” he grinned suddenly, “that’s the first time that’s ever happened to me.”
Daniel suddenly looked suggestive. “Do you want another first time?” Silence fell across the group before Daniel slapped his hands across his mouth. “Tell me I didn’t just say that aloud. Please, god…”
Whilst Daniel was having the first of many Slash Moments, a lone golden-haired figure was creeping across the tree line, bow in hand and quiver on his back. Looking like the poster boy for L’Orien with a strangely bad eyebrow dye, he stared down at the five figures below him, one of whom was edging away from the group, babbling about how “I didn’t mean to say that out loud, I didn’t mean to say it, someone else made me say it…”
The lone blonde raised an eyebrow. They evidently had no place in these woods, and finally Haldir, Marchwarden of Lothlorien (because he’s worth it) decided to make his presence known. He dropped down from the treeline, provoking a reaction ranging from “Holy fuck!” to “Hello…” from the babbling one, who proceeded to throw himself down on the ground and wail about his sudden loss of masculinity. Haldir ignored him, and raised his bow and arrow.
“What manner of creatures are you?”
Jack gently kicked the now sobbing Daniel, before realising that he was in no fit state to make any kind of coherent introduction. Jonas, however, stepped in, looking nervously at Haldir’s arrow. “We’re… uh… mostly human?”
“Hu-man?” Haldir looked suspicious. “In what tongue is that word?”
“English.” Jonas tried to be helpful. “The language that you’re speaking now.”
Jonas failed.
“I am speaking the Common Tongue of Arda,” said Haldir angrily, stepping towards Jonas more threateningly. “You are from the Enemy!”
“Hold it right there,” said Jack, sweeping his gun up in a threatening but incredibly sexy way, which would have made the female viewers swoon if there had been any. For now, there was Daniel, who started to swoon before beating his head against the floor. The rest of the team ignored this, at least for now. Jonas held up both hands in a placating manner. “Look, calm down. We’re not from any Enemy.”
Haldir left his bow up. “You are from the lidless eye!”
“Glowing eye?” Jack suddenly looked hopeful, and slightly lowered his gun.
“Wreathed in flame!”
“Look,” said Jonas, looking straight at Haldir, who was starting to get rather too enthusiastic with his arrow. “We are the enemy of anyone with glowing-“
“Flaming!”
“-eyes.”
“Eye!”
“Are you the leader here?”
Mention of his Lady seemed to placate Haldir somewhat, because he lowered his arrow and suddenly looked proud. “I will take you to her, for she is the most fair and powerful Elf-maid in all the land, and may be able to help your… ah… friend.”
“More than friend! Oh, god…”
“Daniel, what’s come over you?” said Sam, bending down next to the shaking Daniel. “It’s like you’ve turned into the male Bridget Jones or something.”
Daniel didn’t appear to hear her, and merely muttered something unintelligible about guacamole. Sam decided not to ask, and merely tugged on his arm to help him up. Daniel obliged, but refused to let go of Sam. She decided to leave him there, if only for his mental health and possibly Jonas and Jack’s too.
Haldir turned towards the West, where a waterfall could be heard gently cascading over rocks. He smiled. “Come. I will take you to the Lady Galadriel.”
*/*/*/*
Up in the peanut gallery, far above the ensuing madness below, three girls sat watching the scene. Delta Goodrem gently played in the background. One of them yawned. “Dude. Bored now.”
“Me too,” agreed another, leaning back to show off her lucky yellow socks. “Shall I press the button?”
“Ooooh! Let me!”
The one who had hair that could unfortunately be described as short and curly bounced over to the large red button on the wall labelled ‘Deus Ex Machina’ and slammed it happily. The scene suddenly revolved and changed, and the one in charge of the CD player switched the music to John Miles, and leaned back happily, despite the confused looks from the other two, who didn’t know who he was. In their defence, neither did the rest of the world.
“Lookit!” enthused the bouncy one suddenly. “Fellowship!”
*/*/*/*
Haldir and SG1+1 weren’t having the best of luck, frankly enough. Attempts to follow the waterfall had led them back to the same space three times, as though they were stuck there. Even worse, the Stargate had gone missing, and Daniel was making continual efforts to jump Jack, before Sam eventually tugged him back with a hiss of “MY preciousss! Thief!”
And now a rowdy Scottish brogue was echoing through the trees, singing of just exactly what the Elf-maid did with Narsil. Haldir looked slightly terrified. “Ai, not the hobbits…”
It was indeed hobbits. Four of them, in fact, combined with an elf, a man, a dwarf, a wizard, and a hovering spectre of another man, who was bearing a note from Elbereth releasing him from the after-life P.E lesson for this outing. Haldir stared at the Fellowship with obvious distaste.
“What are you doing here again?”
“What are you doing here?” replied Pippin belligerently. “You’re dead!”
“You’re dead? Me too! We’d make a great couple!” piped up Daniel. Haldir knew now to ignore him.
“Only in Peter Jackson’s mind,” sniffed Haldir.
“I’m dead in Tolkien’s, too,” said Boromir in a voice that echoed with the whispering of the trees. “And I’m still here.”
“Tolkien?” whispered Jack to Teal’c. “Didn’t he write those Harry Potter things?”
“You are mistaken- that was J.K Rowling,” replied Teal’c, who was the best-read alien on planet Earth. Also the only alien on planet Earth, but that wasn’t the point.
Meanwhile, confusion reigned within the Fellowship. “Well, what’s going on then?” demanded Merry. “I was at home, getting close to Pip- erm… pipeweed, and suddenly I’m brought back here!”
“You won’t be able to get out, either,” said Jack in a depressed tone. “I have no idea who you strange… short… people are, but we’ve all been stuck here for a while now.”
“A less than ideal situation,” said Haldir. He leaned over to Legolas. “Do not let the one with the glass circles look at you. He will be worse than MarySuediel was.”
Legolas wisely hid behind Aragorn.
“So what do we do now?” said Gimli angrily. “Play backgammon?”
Gandalf held up his staff in what he hoped was a conciliatory manner. “Peace, my friend. I have a plan…” He leaned in close, and everyone else followed suit, and began whispering in low tones. Except for Daniel, who was now onto low-grade whimpering after spotting Legolas, Haldir and Jack in one eyeful.
*/*/*/*/*
Up in the peanut gallery, all three girls leant forward. “Hey, that’s not fair,” complained the John Miles fan. “I thought we were supposed to have All Hearing Power!”
“Turn the volume up,” suggested the one with long brown hair, before going back to her cheese pie.
“Ooooh, nice idea,” replied the first speaker, and rooted around in the sofa for the remote, before triumphantly pressing a button. Then her face fell. “Oops…”
“What’s up?”
“I pressed the ‘Insert All Fandoms’ button,” she gulped. The bouncy one giggled.
“Cool. You didn’t happen to have The Matrix listed, did you?”
“No…”
“Ah well. Lookit! Eowyn!”
“You say lookit far too much…”
*/*/*/
Eowyn was indeed striding across the clearing, oblivious to her observers and the loud sigh one of them gave at Faramir who was closely following the Shield Maiden. Boromir hardly had enough time to run to his brother before a heavily made-up man entered the clearing, striding precariously on his high heel boots. Unfortunately, he was ignored, as Jack seemed to be going through a rather strange transition. His hair was rapidly growing, and a roll of duct tape replaced his gun.
“Not the MacGyver syndrome again…” he was clearly heard to say before quietly imploding into the next universe, where the whole mess could be sorted out. SG1+1 and now minus 1 didn’t even have time to be shocked as a gravely voice bellowed:
“THESE HAVE BEEN THE WORST TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE!”
“Oh, come on now, you said that last time,” came a more reasonable female voice. “Do you see a terrorist? No. It’s trees. It could be worse.”
“Frell!” cursed a much more Australian voice in harmony with an American voice. “This is not the place, Crichton…”
“We don’t need Winona, I already have a weapon!”
“You have a filthy mind. And there’s a tree watching us.”
“What the-“
“Hoom!” said Treebeard suddenly, edging around the man who had mentally been labelled ‘God In Leggings’ by Daniel at least. “The races of Men certainly have some strange habits!”
“Run, Forest! Run!” cried Sam, before pausing. “I don’t know why I said that. Is Daniel contagious?”
The scene was growing chaotic as the seconds ticked up. High, high above even the peanut gallery, the author held her head in her hands and she tried to work out how to include everything, before giving up and going even sillier. It was at this point a small rowboat landed near Treebeard’s large foot, and a pirate swaggered out, before looking down at his legs. “Why have the trousers gone?”
Will stepped out in a slightly more dignified manner, before looking appreciatively at Jack Sparrow’s- Captain Jack Sparrow’s- legs, the top half of which where covered with a kilt. “Oh, I don’t know Jack,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes. “I quite like it. After all, I always said that my place was between you and Norrington... where is Norrington?" Looking around, he spotted Legolas and the two fell silent for a moment before wordlessly pointing at each other. Luckily, a Convenient Plot Device fell into place before the Orlando Bloom Syndrome could take effect. Aforementioned Convenient Plot Device turned out to be two cheery Geordies, who were both known as Ant Or Dec.
Various fandoms seemed to be huddling together, although this was possibly just to keep Daniel quiet, who had now had some sort of seizure at the sight of Jack Sparrow’s legs and was now just saying random words in no particular order. However, the bloke in leggings was strutting around quite confidently, apparently only missing a cigarette. It was clear that there had to be some kind of order, and the leaders of the various groups were beginning to strive internally for power.
Gandalf had just thwacked Elrond with his staff (“I’m oldest dammit, and you keep out of it Fangorn, it’s a spoiler otherwise!”). The Random Actor group (consisting of Brendon Fraser, Ewan Macgregor, George Clooney, and Noah Wyle) were forming the beginning of a cunning coalition with the Random Musician group (consisting of Robbie Williams, Will Young, various composers, Howard Shore and Phil Collins) although they were all unsure of what exactly Ewan Macgregor was on about.
Eventually, however, the chaos had to end, as does this rather silly fic, which is losing all pretence at humour. At the sight of Winnie The Pooh (and Tigger too!) conversing with Will and Grace, Sam flipped out and decided that it was high time to use her womanly wiles. She opened her mouth and began to scream, leaving the Elves clapping their hands over their ears, Frodo looking on in sympathy and Jack Sparrow grinning in a devilish way, but the point was made. Everyone shut up, and when she stopped, they looked at her expectantly.
“Now,” she said, after finally getting her breath back. “I’m no expert at biology, but I’m guessing you’re not all human, right?” She held up her hands to fend off the cacophony. “Shut up! I’m not finished! The point is I’m almost sure we’re not all supposed to be here. Apart from that smug bastard over there, of course.” She pointed at Haldir who did what he did best - grinned smugly. “So, does anyone have any ideas? One at a time!” she added quickly.
Gandalf gingerly put his hand up. “I would hope that we’re all able to return whence we came as soon as possible. And that’s whence, Elrond, since it means 'from where' which is why you don’t say from whence.” Elrond gritted his teeth.
“42!” cried somebody, before silence fell again.
“Look, we need to go back from where we came from, in all seriousness,” said Howard Shore, who was probably the sanest one there.
“Yes, but where did everyone come from?” asked Jonas reasonably, who was quickly drowned in cries of “The Shire!” “Uncharted Territories!” “Scotland!” “Sheffield, you Southern bastard!” “New Zealand!” It was only when Sam threatened to open her mouth again that the group quietened down again.
“So, we’re all equally resolved to go home. What do we-“
Sam was interrupted by the noise of a tinkling bell, combined with a large ‘pop’ sound effect and a man dressed in a green tutu falling to the ground. He stood up and brushed himself off, before noticing the stares of all those around him. He waved briefly.
“Who, exactly, are you?” demanded Jack Bauer. The Fairy smiled in a placating way.
“Hi! I’m Mark Ordesky, and I’m one of the executive producers for Lord Of The Rings!”
“That doesn’t explain the dress, mate,” pointed out Robbie Williams. Mark sighed.
“The authoress is in something of a hurry, and she just saw the Asda adverts. You think I’ve got it bad, you should see what he has to do. Blood, banks and supermarkets by my last count, wasn't it?”
The ghost of Boromir blushed. “Well? I haven’t had any PR to do since 2000, unlike this lot. It’s not my fault!”
“Anyway,” continued Mark blithely, ignoring Boromir, “this is a horrible mess. We haven’t got the license to use half of you. So… off you go!” He pointed at SG1+1-1 with his wand, and they disappeared in a suitably camp blast of pink. Will Young sighed. Daniel had started giving him the eye about thirty seconds ago. However, Mark Ordesky quickly blew the groups of Random Actors and Random Musicians away, before pointing his wand as the 24 twosome. Jack screamed and leapt behind Kate Warner, who sighed.
“It’s a wand, Jack, not a gun.”
And they too disappeared, followed by John and Aeryn (still having fun in the bushes) and Winnie the Pooh, who looked upset to be leaving his new friends Will and Grace. It wasn’t long until only the Lord Of The Rings cast remained, and Mark Ordesky sighed happily.
“There. Now we won’t get sued.”
“Yeah, but Ah still have Mer- stuff to do,” said Pippin, looking irritated. “What are you doing with us?”
“Well, you’re being sent wandering to someone as a birthday present!” said Mark with a happy smile. He pointed his wand at the whole Fellowship + Eowyn + Faramir + Elrond + Treebeard…
And up in the peanut gallery, the John Miles fan was suddenly given one of the best birthday presents she ever had.
*/*/*/*/
So, by my reckoning, I got the following references in, bearing in mind that character=actor:
24
ant and dec
aragorn
astronomy
aurora borealis
backgammon
billy boyd
biology
boromir
brendan fraser
classical music
daniel/jonas
delta goodrem
dominic monaghan
douglas adams
dr. jackson's diary
duct tape
eddie izzard
elijah wood
elrond
elves
ents
eowyn
equality
ewan mcgregor
fanfiction
faramir
farscape
films
forrest gump
frodo baggins
gandalf
genesis
george clooney
gollum
haldir
hobbits
hope
howard shore
ian mckellen
j.k. rowling
j.r.r. tolkien
jack bauer
jack/daniel
john miles
john/aeryn
johnny depp
kiefer sutherland
kiefer sutherland's voice
legolas
lord of the rings
lotr
macgyver
mark ordesky
men in kilts
meriadoc brandybuck
miranda otto
music
new zealand
noah wyle
orlando bloom
peace
peregrin took
peter jackson
phil collins
pirates of the caribbean
robbie Williams
sam/jack
samwise gamgee
sean astin
sean bean
slash
stargate sg-1
sunrises
sunsets
tom hanks
trees,
viggo mortensen
wandering
water
waterfalls
will & grace
will young,
winnie the pooh
85/115 ain’t too bad!
Have a great day. *pauses* Tomorrow. Sorry about that, hun. Curse Homebase and Media Studies!
~Hathy_Col~
It's in honour of the lovely
mettanna's birthday, and by my count, contains 85 of the things from her interests list. flickerswitch beta-ed it today.Have a brilliant birthday!
Summary: SG-1 (+1) gate to a very strange planet indeed, and find a whole list of things. Daniel has a gay moment. Jack Sparrow wears a kilt. Jack Bauer screams like a woman. Eddie Izzard is dressed like a woman, and he's not the only one. And meanwhile, three girls sit up in the peanut gallery, watching and occasionally cackling...
Jack stared. “Trees, Carter. Again.”
For what wasn’t the first or the last time, Sam wasn’t listening. Instead, she was staring around at her surroundings. “I don’t understand, sir. This was supposed to be a desert planet. I have no idea what’s gone wrong, actually…”
“Well, why don’t we just dial back and find out there?” suggested Daniel peacefully. In truth, he didn’t really mind. His allergies seemed to have died the first time he did, and as such it was a rather nice experience, being able to join in Jack’s astronomy in the forest. The aurora borealis was surprisingly beautiful under a canopy of fir trees. And the sunsets! Wow. He shook his head and brought himself back to reality, which was rather less pleasant. “Where’s the DHD?”
“Oh, crap.”
“Hey guys!”
Silence fell over as Jonas Quinn stood up in front of SG1, innocently blinking and looking as confused as they did. He suddenly looked worried. “Don’t tell me you forgot who I was!”
Teal’c was the first to break the silence. “We did not, Jonas Quinn.”
Jack was less tacit. “What is going on, exactly? More to the point, where did you come from?”
“You don’t know?”
“And I’d be asking why?”
Jonas shrugged. “I hoped you did, actually. I was at home, and suddenly WHOOSH I was here. Still,” he grinned suddenly, “that’s the first time that’s ever happened to me.”
Daniel suddenly looked suggestive. “Do you want another first time?” Silence fell across the group before Daniel slapped his hands across his mouth. “Tell me I didn’t just say that aloud. Please, god…”
Whilst Daniel was having the first of many Slash Moments, a lone golden-haired figure was creeping across the tree line, bow in hand and quiver on his back. Looking like the poster boy for L’Orien with a strangely bad eyebrow dye, he stared down at the five figures below him, one of whom was edging away from the group, babbling about how “I didn’t mean to say that out loud, I didn’t mean to say it, someone else made me say it…”
The lone blonde raised an eyebrow. They evidently had no place in these woods, and finally Haldir, Marchwarden of Lothlorien (because he’s worth it) decided to make his presence known. He dropped down from the treeline, provoking a reaction ranging from “Holy fuck!” to “Hello…” from the babbling one, who proceeded to throw himself down on the ground and wail about his sudden loss of masculinity. Haldir ignored him, and raised his bow and arrow.
“What manner of creatures are you?”
Jack gently kicked the now sobbing Daniel, before realising that he was in no fit state to make any kind of coherent introduction. Jonas, however, stepped in, looking nervously at Haldir’s arrow. “We’re… uh… mostly human?”
“Hu-man?” Haldir looked suspicious. “In what tongue is that word?”
“English.” Jonas tried to be helpful. “The language that you’re speaking now.”
Jonas failed.
“I am speaking the Common Tongue of Arda,” said Haldir angrily, stepping towards Jonas more threateningly. “You are from the Enemy!”
“Hold it right there,” said Jack, sweeping his gun up in a threatening but incredibly sexy way, which would have made the female viewers swoon if there had been any. For now, there was Daniel, who started to swoon before beating his head against the floor. The rest of the team ignored this, at least for now. Jonas held up both hands in a placating manner. “Look, calm down. We’re not from any Enemy.”
Haldir left his bow up. “You are from the lidless eye!”
“Glowing eye?” Jack suddenly looked hopeful, and slightly lowered his gun.
“Wreathed in flame!”
“Look,” said Jonas, looking straight at Haldir, who was starting to get rather too enthusiastic with his arrow. “We are the enemy of anyone with glowing-“
“Flaming!”
“-eyes.”
“Eye!”
“Are you the leader here?”
Mention of his Lady seemed to placate Haldir somewhat, because he lowered his arrow and suddenly looked proud. “I will take you to her, for she is the most fair and powerful Elf-maid in all the land, and may be able to help your… ah… friend.”
“More than friend! Oh, god…”
“Daniel, what’s come over you?” said Sam, bending down next to the shaking Daniel. “It’s like you’ve turned into the male Bridget Jones or something.”
Daniel didn’t appear to hear her, and merely muttered something unintelligible about guacamole. Sam decided not to ask, and merely tugged on his arm to help him up. Daniel obliged, but refused to let go of Sam. She decided to leave him there, if only for his mental health and possibly Jonas and Jack’s too.
Haldir turned towards the West, where a waterfall could be heard gently cascading over rocks. He smiled. “Come. I will take you to the Lady Galadriel.”
*/*/*/*
Up in the peanut gallery, far above the ensuing madness below, three girls sat watching the scene. Delta Goodrem gently played in the background. One of them yawned. “Dude. Bored now.”
“Me too,” agreed another, leaning back to show off her lucky yellow socks. “Shall I press the button?”
“Ooooh! Let me!”
The one who had hair that could unfortunately be described as short and curly bounced over to the large red button on the wall labelled ‘Deus Ex Machina’ and slammed it happily. The scene suddenly revolved and changed, and the one in charge of the CD player switched the music to John Miles, and leaned back happily, despite the confused looks from the other two, who didn’t know who he was. In their defence, neither did the rest of the world.
“Lookit!” enthused the bouncy one suddenly. “Fellowship!”
*/*/*/*
Haldir and SG1+1 weren’t having the best of luck, frankly enough. Attempts to follow the waterfall had led them back to the same space three times, as though they were stuck there. Even worse, the Stargate had gone missing, and Daniel was making continual efforts to jump Jack, before Sam eventually tugged him back with a hiss of “MY preciousss! Thief!”
And now a rowdy Scottish brogue was echoing through the trees, singing of just exactly what the Elf-maid did with Narsil. Haldir looked slightly terrified. “Ai, not the hobbits…”
It was indeed hobbits. Four of them, in fact, combined with an elf, a man, a dwarf, a wizard, and a hovering spectre of another man, who was bearing a note from Elbereth releasing him from the after-life P.E lesson for this outing. Haldir stared at the Fellowship with obvious distaste.
“What are you doing here again?”
“What are you doing here?” replied Pippin belligerently. “You’re dead!”
“You’re dead? Me too! We’d make a great couple!” piped up Daniel. Haldir knew now to ignore him.
“Only in Peter Jackson’s mind,” sniffed Haldir.
“I’m dead in Tolkien’s, too,” said Boromir in a voice that echoed with the whispering of the trees. “And I’m still here.”
“Tolkien?” whispered Jack to Teal’c. “Didn’t he write those Harry Potter things?”
“You are mistaken- that was J.K Rowling,” replied Teal’c, who was the best-read alien on planet Earth. Also the only alien on planet Earth, but that wasn’t the point.
Meanwhile, confusion reigned within the Fellowship. “Well, what’s going on then?” demanded Merry. “I was at home, getting close to Pip- erm… pipeweed, and suddenly I’m brought back here!”
“You won’t be able to get out, either,” said Jack in a depressed tone. “I have no idea who you strange… short… people are, but we’ve all been stuck here for a while now.”
“A less than ideal situation,” said Haldir. He leaned over to Legolas. “Do not let the one with the glass circles look at you. He will be worse than MarySuediel was.”
Legolas wisely hid behind Aragorn.
“So what do we do now?” said Gimli angrily. “Play backgammon?”
Gandalf held up his staff in what he hoped was a conciliatory manner. “Peace, my friend. I have a plan…” He leaned in close, and everyone else followed suit, and began whispering in low tones. Except for Daniel, who was now onto low-grade whimpering after spotting Legolas, Haldir and Jack in one eyeful.
*/*/*/*/*
Up in the peanut gallery, all three girls leant forward. “Hey, that’s not fair,” complained the John Miles fan. “I thought we were supposed to have All Hearing Power!”
“Turn the volume up,” suggested the one with long brown hair, before going back to her cheese pie.
“Ooooh, nice idea,” replied the first speaker, and rooted around in the sofa for the remote, before triumphantly pressing a button. Then her face fell. “Oops…”
“What’s up?”
“I pressed the ‘Insert All Fandoms’ button,” she gulped. The bouncy one giggled.
“Cool. You didn’t happen to have The Matrix listed, did you?”
“No…”
“Ah well. Lookit! Eowyn!”
“You say lookit far too much…”
*/*/*/
Eowyn was indeed striding across the clearing, oblivious to her observers and the loud sigh one of them gave at Faramir who was closely following the Shield Maiden. Boromir hardly had enough time to run to his brother before a heavily made-up man entered the clearing, striding precariously on his high heel boots. Unfortunately, he was ignored, as Jack seemed to be going through a rather strange transition. His hair was rapidly growing, and a roll of duct tape replaced his gun.
“Not the MacGyver syndrome again…” he was clearly heard to say before quietly imploding into the next universe, where the whole mess could be sorted out. SG1+1 and now minus 1 didn’t even have time to be shocked as a gravely voice bellowed:
“THESE HAVE BEEN THE WORST TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE!”
“Oh, come on now, you said that last time,” came a more reasonable female voice. “Do you see a terrorist? No. It’s trees. It could be worse.”
“Frell!” cursed a much more Australian voice in harmony with an American voice. “This is not the place, Crichton…”
“We don’t need Winona, I already have a weapon!”
“You have a filthy mind. And there’s a tree watching us.”
“What the-“
“Hoom!” said Treebeard suddenly, edging around the man who had mentally been labelled ‘God In Leggings’ by Daniel at least. “The races of Men certainly have some strange habits!”
“Run, Forest! Run!” cried Sam, before pausing. “I don’t know why I said that. Is Daniel contagious?”
The scene was growing chaotic as the seconds ticked up. High, high above even the peanut gallery, the author held her head in her hands and she tried to work out how to include everything, before giving up and going even sillier. It was at this point a small rowboat landed near Treebeard’s large foot, and a pirate swaggered out, before looking down at his legs. “Why have the trousers gone?”
Will stepped out in a slightly more dignified manner, before looking appreciatively at Jack Sparrow’s- Captain Jack Sparrow’s- legs, the top half of which where covered with a kilt. “Oh, I don’t know Jack,” he said with a twinkle in his eyes. “I quite like it. After all, I always said that my place was between you and Norrington... where is Norrington?" Looking around, he spotted Legolas and the two fell silent for a moment before wordlessly pointing at each other. Luckily, a Convenient Plot Device fell into place before the Orlando Bloom Syndrome could take effect. Aforementioned Convenient Plot Device turned out to be two cheery Geordies, who were both known as Ant Or Dec.
Various fandoms seemed to be huddling together, although this was possibly just to keep Daniel quiet, who had now had some sort of seizure at the sight of Jack Sparrow’s legs and was now just saying random words in no particular order. However, the bloke in leggings was strutting around quite confidently, apparently only missing a cigarette. It was clear that there had to be some kind of order, and the leaders of the various groups were beginning to strive internally for power.
Gandalf had just thwacked Elrond with his staff (“I’m oldest dammit, and you keep out of it Fangorn, it’s a spoiler otherwise!”). The Random Actor group (consisting of Brendon Fraser, Ewan Macgregor, George Clooney, and Noah Wyle) were forming the beginning of a cunning coalition with the Random Musician group (consisting of Robbie Williams, Will Young, various composers, Howard Shore and Phil Collins) although they were all unsure of what exactly Ewan Macgregor was on about.
Eventually, however, the chaos had to end, as does this rather silly fic, which is losing all pretence at humour. At the sight of Winnie The Pooh (and Tigger too!) conversing with Will and Grace, Sam flipped out and decided that it was high time to use her womanly wiles. She opened her mouth and began to scream, leaving the Elves clapping their hands over their ears, Frodo looking on in sympathy and Jack Sparrow grinning in a devilish way, but the point was made. Everyone shut up, and when she stopped, they looked at her expectantly.
“Now,” she said, after finally getting her breath back. “I’m no expert at biology, but I’m guessing you’re not all human, right?” She held up her hands to fend off the cacophony. “Shut up! I’m not finished! The point is I’m almost sure we’re not all supposed to be here. Apart from that smug bastard over there, of course.” She pointed at Haldir who did what he did best - grinned smugly. “So, does anyone have any ideas? One at a time!” she added quickly.
Gandalf gingerly put his hand up. “I would hope that we’re all able to return whence we came as soon as possible. And that’s whence, Elrond, since it means 'from where' which is why you don’t say from whence.” Elrond gritted his teeth.
“42!” cried somebody, before silence fell again.
“Look, we need to go back from where we came from, in all seriousness,” said Howard Shore, who was probably the sanest one there.
“Yes, but where did everyone come from?” asked Jonas reasonably, who was quickly drowned in cries of “The Shire!” “Uncharted Territories!” “Scotland!” “Sheffield, you Southern bastard!” “New Zealand!” It was only when Sam threatened to open her mouth again that the group quietened down again.
“So, we’re all equally resolved to go home. What do we-“
Sam was interrupted by the noise of a tinkling bell, combined with a large ‘pop’ sound effect and a man dressed in a green tutu falling to the ground. He stood up and brushed himself off, before noticing the stares of all those around him. He waved briefly.
“Who, exactly, are you?” demanded Jack Bauer. The Fairy smiled in a placating way.
“Hi! I’m Mark Ordesky, and I’m one of the executive producers for Lord Of The Rings!”
“That doesn’t explain the dress, mate,” pointed out Robbie Williams. Mark sighed.
“The authoress is in something of a hurry, and she just saw the Asda adverts. You think I’ve got it bad, you should see what he has to do. Blood, banks and supermarkets by my last count, wasn't it?”
The ghost of Boromir blushed. “Well? I haven’t had any PR to do since 2000, unlike this lot. It’s not my fault!”
“Anyway,” continued Mark blithely, ignoring Boromir, “this is a horrible mess. We haven’t got the license to use half of you. So… off you go!” He pointed at SG1+1-1 with his wand, and they disappeared in a suitably camp blast of pink. Will Young sighed. Daniel had started giving him the eye about thirty seconds ago. However, Mark Ordesky quickly blew the groups of Random Actors and Random Musicians away, before pointing his wand as the 24 twosome. Jack screamed and leapt behind Kate Warner, who sighed.
“It’s a wand, Jack, not a gun.”
And they too disappeared, followed by John and Aeryn (still having fun in the bushes) and Winnie the Pooh, who looked upset to be leaving his new friends Will and Grace. It wasn’t long until only the Lord Of The Rings cast remained, and Mark Ordesky sighed happily.
“There. Now we won’t get sued.”
“Yeah, but Ah still have Mer- stuff to do,” said Pippin, looking irritated. “What are you doing with us?”
“Well, you’re being sent wandering to someone as a birthday present!” said Mark with a happy smile. He pointed his wand at the whole Fellowship + Eowyn + Faramir + Elrond + Treebeard…
And up in the peanut gallery, the John Miles fan was suddenly given one of the best birthday presents she ever had.
*/*/*/*/
So, by my reckoning, I got the following references in, bearing in mind that character=actor:
24
ant and dec
aragorn
astronomy
aurora borealis
backgammon
billy boyd
biology
boromir
brendan fraser
classical music
daniel/jonas
delta goodrem
dominic monaghan
douglas adams
dr. jackson's diary
duct tape
eddie izzard
elijah wood
elrond
elves
ents
eowyn
equality
ewan mcgregor
fanfiction
faramir
farscape
films
forrest gump
frodo baggins
gandalf
genesis
george clooney
gollum
haldir
hobbits
hope
howard shore
ian mckellen
j.k. rowling
j.r.r. tolkien
jack bauer
jack/daniel
john miles
john/aeryn
johnny depp
kiefer sutherland
kiefer sutherland's voice
legolas
lord of the rings
lotr
macgyver
mark ordesky
men in kilts
meriadoc brandybuck
miranda otto
music
new zealand
noah wyle
orlando bloom
peace
peregrin took
peter jackson
phil collins
pirates of the caribbean
robbie Williams
sam/jack
samwise gamgee
sean astin
sean bean
slash
stargate sg-1
sunrises
sunsets
tom hanks
trees,
viggo mortensen
wandering
water
waterfalls
will & grace
will young,
winnie the pooh
85/115 ain’t too bad!
Have a great day. *pauses* Tomorrow. Sorry about that, hun. Curse Homebase and Media Studies!
~Hathy_Col~
