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Nov. 9th, 2004 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hathycolI am so fed up of being a slave to my hormones. Hi, my name's Colleen and I'm fucking pathetic. I've been all happy today, and then it all just went crashing downhill this afternoon. I mean... what's going on? This isn't normal. I am HAPPY Colleen. That's my role, that's who I am, that's who I like being. This is getting beyond a joke.
I hate crying, and that's what I've been doing this afternoon. Went home. Got changed for work, and out I toddled in the car. It was appalling. I can'y handle rush-hour nighttime driving, and I'm starting to get this horribly knotty feeling every time I think about going out. I can feel Dad panicking next to me, and I know what I'm doing, but... it just doesn't happen. He made me park uphill, and I don't know how to do that - I thought I did - and then it went wrong and I bumped the wall. Not in a bad way, Starbug's fine, but it just really frustrated me. Do you know how much I hate not being good at something? It's not natural to me, and I just... argh. I just sat there (you know, once the car had stopped and all) shaking a little bit, and felt like I was going to cry, so I jumped out, declared I wasn;t driving home, and went into work. Cried in the staff toilets, realised I was being both pathetic and late, and went to work. Sat there. Charlotte asked me how I was and I bloody well cried at my till. She patted vaguely, but I don't know her that well and I just felt stupid which just made me feel worse. I think everything just suddenly got on top of me, which it does, sometimes, and then I just cry at people until they go away and think I'm a bigger freak than they already think I am.
Came home. Drove it, too, and wasn't so bad, since the roads were quieter. Mum immedietly jumped on me, ("You're just a cocky driver, you shouldn't be out..." "Mum, you're not the one taking me out so why are complaining? You've never seen me drive...") so I quietly nearly cried into my mashed potato. That was embarrassing, too.
And now I'm here. I think I can explain it. I'm just not enjoying college at the moment, and that's not right. I don't like my lessons, so I can't concentrate. I don't find the homework stimulating, so I don't do it. I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to. I've... realised I'm not as close to people as I though. Fairly obviously, my friendses are my friendses - Liz, Jess, Lucy et al - but a lot of people I realised that I don't care that much if I don't see them again. So I feel guilty, and a little lonely, because I should care more than I do.
I don't mind if I can explain it, it's just irritating. I feel like I;m not giving my all to everything anymore, but I don't have anymore to give, and it makes this massive empty pit in me, and sometimes I just cry at people. And that's not right. What's the point?
God, I feel awful tonight. I'm going to bed. Maybe my hormones and emotions will have righted themselves in the morning. I just hate this feeling like I'm about to cry all the time.
~Hathy_Col~
I hate crying, and that's what I've been doing this afternoon. Went home. Got changed for work, and out I toddled in the car. It was appalling. I can'y handle rush-hour nighttime driving, and I'm starting to get this horribly knotty feeling every time I think about going out. I can feel Dad panicking next to me, and I know what I'm doing, but... it just doesn't happen. He made me park uphill, and I don't know how to do that - I thought I did - and then it went wrong and I bumped the wall. Not in a bad way, Starbug's fine, but it just really frustrated me. Do you know how much I hate not being good at something? It's not natural to me, and I just... argh. I just sat there (you know, once the car had stopped and all) shaking a little bit, and felt like I was going to cry, so I jumped out, declared I wasn;t driving home, and went into work. Cried in the staff toilets, realised I was being both pathetic and late, and went to work. Sat there. Charlotte asked me how I was and I bloody well cried at my till. She patted vaguely, but I don't know her that well and I just felt stupid which just made me feel worse. I think everything just suddenly got on top of me, which it does, sometimes, and then I just cry at people until they go away and think I'm a bigger freak than they already think I am.
Came home. Drove it, too, and wasn't so bad, since the roads were quieter. Mum immedietly jumped on me, ("You're just a cocky driver, you shouldn't be out..." "Mum, you're not the one taking me out so why are complaining? You've never seen me drive...") so I quietly nearly cried into my mashed potato. That was embarrassing, too.
And now I'm here. I think I can explain it. I'm just not enjoying college at the moment, and that's not right. I don't like my lessons, so I can't concentrate. I don't find the homework stimulating, so I don't do it. I get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to. I've... realised I'm not as close to people as I though. Fairly obviously, my friendses are my friendses - Liz, Jess, Lucy et al - but a lot of people I realised that I don't care that much if I don't see them again. So I feel guilty, and a little lonely, because I should care more than I do.
I don't mind if I can explain it, it's just irritating. I feel like I;m not giving my all to everything anymore, but I don't have anymore to give, and it makes this massive empty pit in me, and sometimes I just cry at people. And that's not right. What's the point?
God, I feel awful tonight. I'm going to bed. Maybe my hormones and emotions will have righted themselves in the morning. I just hate this feeling like I'm about to cry all the time.
~Hathy_Col~
