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hathycolI've been doing some thinking. Given that it's the wee hours of the morning and I am not in the right place in my head right now, this is a bit... worrying, I suppose. It might be a bit stream of thoughty. I'm friendslocking it because people are adding me at the rate of knots with no introduction right now, which is a little alarming, and I'm normally a sickeningly public person (crying on a train and throwing up on the next connection train? No problem) but there's only so much I'm willing to share with the world at large.
Erm, anyway.
I've been reading over a lot of my old journal entries, because it's a process I find fascinating. The thing is, I am stupidly open and talkative on LJ about all kinds of stuff - fairly indepth detail about the Pill, my health (and teeth), and how I feel in relation to people who don't read or speak to people who read this journal, and everything I've done in excrutiating detail. I'm, in a way, a bit frightened to talk about how I feel about other people - it's always in context of "I'm so happy" or a jokey "Well, I suppose I have to tell you" sort of reference.
Basically, I'm a bit paranoid. I always think, well, that I talk too much about Simon. Oh, hell, I probably do. And I know a lot of you out there - my contemporaries, or the people he or I have known for donkey's years, or even just the people over the pond I've grown connected to - find the whole situation fucking weird. Christ, at times I do. I look down at the ring on my finger and realise exactly what it entails, or I look up and suddenly realise "Oh my GOD I'm hugging Simon" or sometimes I speak to old acquitances from college who are desperately trying to wrap their heads around the fact that, well, I do The Sex with a man. And given the fact that I had to put up with an accusation from someone I knew that "you were a lesbian for attention, then you went straight with the least likely candidate for attention. Bet you'll get divorced when the limelight fades" I'm now slightly afraid to talk even about the wedding thing. I didn't quite have the effort to tell him to fuck off, because that's what I know people are thinking. People have every right too and all. I'd think it, if it was one of my friends who had done the same.
I don't want to become Bridezilla. I don't want to become the sort of girl that talks gushingly about how much they love their boi and how speshul he is, and how much they ttly luv him and lolz. I sort of don't need to, because, um, he is and I do, except with better spelling and grammar, but that isn't the point, and that isn't what I want to talk about, because that is private.
I want to talk about how much I miss Simon when he's not here without getting defensive. I want to mention on my LJ about the church I want to get married in, and all the religious considerations that go with that. Did you know I'm budgeting for it already? Or that we're going to have a poke around the chapels in St Andrews in Freshers Week to see if we both like them? Do you know that I'm quite seriously planning about stupid stuff, like how the hell we're both going to live after university, and what family members to put on opposite sides to each other, and colour schemes, and bridesmaids? No, you don't, because I'm afraid to talk about it.
(I tried talking to my mother about where I want to get married. I was cut off with a curt question about when I planned to do it, I answered after my degree, and then that was the end of the conversation. I'm sure I'm meant to be able to talk to my mother about this, but short of a guarantee that it's after the degree and an instruction to run away to get away from my extended family, I can't. Fun, isn't it?)
And I can't talk about it, not to anyone other than Simon, because I'm all confused and I'm afraid of getting the nasty reaction I got on my original LJ post when I said I was getting engaged. I'm afraid of weirding out the people I care about, and honestly, I don't want to, but when did I get to the point that I flat out wouldn't talk about it because I was afraid of other's reactions? Besides, I mentioned the paranoia.
I don't, though. I mention Simon when he is coming back into my life in the form of a visit, or about when we go out, or whatever. But that's it. I don't talk about... I don't know, how it feels, not very often. I don't talk about singing along to songs in the car because hey remind me of him, or how safe he makes me feel, or...
I am not some sort of incomplete human. I have a perfectly active life of my very own, thankyouverymuch, and I don't feel the need to validate myself by talking about the fact I have a relationship. But he is a big part of my life. That's normal. So why do I feel so frozen when it comes to actually talking about it?
christthisisstructuredterribly.
What I'm trying to say is this: yes, the very concept of me and Simon being together, let alone getting married, is a strange and bizarre one. I was a fairly adamant lesbian, and to be quite honest, I still am. I'm really not interested in men as a species, with the new and possible exception of David Tennant. (Apart from Simon, obviously.) Simon was quite notable in just not being interested in, you know, anything, and tended to beat people about the head for hugging attempts. Neither of us were the marrying type, but, well, here we are. And I get that it's weird, but we've been together a long time now, and it's going to stay that way. We are going to get married, and it is going to be in the next five years, and for preference it's going to be within the next four. We're not going to turn into the monster couple of death. I'm not going to turn into one of those hideous women who talks about noting but her bloke, but you know what? I am going to start talking about this, because all this is one hell of a feeling, and I want to share how happy I am. I want to talk wedding plans, life plans. I want to talk about how much it hurts when I have to leave him for another few weeks apart, but normally I'm just vague and defensive.
It's still fucking weird, but it's still me. It's still Colleen, with her Northern socialist working-class indignation, her worrying obsession with equal rights, who talks about fandom a lot, with the dancing, with the drinking, with the liking for history, with the ambition. That's not changed. One part of me has, yes, so I want to stop being afraid of talking about it on my LJ. It's not an LJ that's going to turn into constant gushing or romantic crap, and if I does I beg for the flamethrower, but... it needs to start reflecting that my life has changed. I use LJ as my outlet, when I'm sad or down, just to get a comforting message or at least to know that I'm subjecting myself on someone else, but when I'm crying myself to sleep because the bed feels cold and empty and I'm afraid to write about it because of how people might react, there has to be something wrong.
I was less afraid of being judged when I talked about my fairly randomised lesbian kissage a few years back. And I'm sure that's odd.
Comment at me and shout at me and tell me I'm being stupid, or whatever. I think it might help.
Erm, anyway.
I've been reading over a lot of my old journal entries, because it's a process I find fascinating. The thing is, I am stupidly open and talkative on LJ about all kinds of stuff - fairly indepth detail about the Pill, my health (and teeth), and how I feel in relation to people who don't read or speak to people who read this journal, and everything I've done in excrutiating detail. I'm, in a way, a bit frightened to talk about how I feel about other people - it's always in context of "I'm so happy" or a jokey "Well, I suppose I have to tell you" sort of reference.
Basically, I'm a bit paranoid. I always think, well, that I talk too much about Simon. Oh, hell, I probably do. And I know a lot of you out there - my contemporaries, or the people he or I have known for donkey's years, or even just the people over the pond I've grown connected to - find the whole situation fucking weird. Christ, at times I do. I look down at the ring on my finger and realise exactly what it entails, or I look up and suddenly realise "Oh my GOD I'm hugging Simon" or sometimes I speak to old acquitances from college who are desperately trying to wrap their heads around the fact that, well, I do The Sex with a man. And given the fact that I had to put up with an accusation from someone I knew that "you were a lesbian for attention, then you went straight with the least likely candidate for attention. Bet you'll get divorced when the limelight fades" I'm now slightly afraid to talk even about the wedding thing. I didn't quite have the effort to tell him to fuck off, because that's what I know people are thinking. People have every right too and all. I'd think it, if it was one of my friends who had done the same.
I don't want to become Bridezilla. I don't want to become the sort of girl that talks gushingly about how much they love their boi and how speshul he is, and how much they ttly luv him and lolz. I sort of don't need to, because, um, he is and I do, except with better spelling and grammar, but that isn't the point, and that isn't what I want to talk about, because that is private.
I want to talk about how much I miss Simon when he's not here without getting defensive. I want to mention on my LJ about the church I want to get married in, and all the religious considerations that go with that. Did you know I'm budgeting for it already? Or that we're going to have a poke around the chapels in St Andrews in Freshers Week to see if we both like them? Do you know that I'm quite seriously planning about stupid stuff, like how the hell we're both going to live after university, and what family members to put on opposite sides to each other, and colour schemes, and bridesmaids? No, you don't, because I'm afraid to talk about it.
(I tried talking to my mother about where I want to get married. I was cut off with a curt question about when I planned to do it, I answered after my degree, and then that was the end of the conversation. I'm sure I'm meant to be able to talk to my mother about this, but short of a guarantee that it's after the degree and an instruction to run away to get away from my extended family, I can't. Fun, isn't it?)
And I can't talk about it, not to anyone other than Simon, because I'm all confused and I'm afraid of getting the nasty reaction I got on my original LJ post when I said I was getting engaged. I'm afraid of weirding out the people I care about, and honestly, I don't want to, but when did I get to the point that I flat out wouldn't talk about it because I was afraid of other's reactions? Besides, I mentioned the paranoia.
I don't, though. I mention Simon when he is coming back into my life in the form of a visit, or about when we go out, or whatever. But that's it. I don't talk about... I don't know, how it feels, not very often. I don't talk about singing along to songs in the car because hey remind me of him, or how safe he makes me feel, or...
I am not some sort of incomplete human. I have a perfectly active life of my very own, thankyouverymuch, and I don't feel the need to validate myself by talking about the fact I have a relationship. But he is a big part of my life. That's normal. So why do I feel so frozen when it comes to actually talking about it?
christthisisstructuredterribly.
What I'm trying to say is this: yes, the very concept of me and Simon being together, let alone getting married, is a strange and bizarre one. I was a fairly adamant lesbian, and to be quite honest, I still am. I'm really not interested in men as a species, with the new and possible exception of David Tennant. (Apart from Simon, obviously.) Simon was quite notable in just not being interested in, you know, anything, and tended to beat people about the head for hugging attempts. Neither of us were the marrying type, but, well, here we are. And I get that it's weird, but we've been together a long time now, and it's going to stay that way. We are going to get married, and it is going to be in the next five years, and for preference it's going to be within the next four. We're not going to turn into the monster couple of death. I'm not going to turn into one of those hideous women who talks about noting but her bloke, but you know what? I am going to start talking about this, because all this is one hell of a feeling, and I want to share how happy I am. I want to talk wedding plans, life plans. I want to talk about how much it hurts when I have to leave him for another few weeks apart, but normally I'm just vague and defensive.
It's still fucking weird, but it's still me. It's still Colleen, with her Northern socialist working-class indignation, her worrying obsession with equal rights, who talks about fandom a lot, with the dancing, with the drinking, with the liking for history, with the ambition. That's not changed. One part of me has, yes, so I want to stop being afraid of talking about it on my LJ. It's not an LJ that's going to turn into constant gushing or romantic crap, and if I does I beg for the flamethrower, but... it needs to start reflecting that my life has changed. I use LJ as my outlet, when I'm sad or down, just to get a comforting message or at least to know that I'm subjecting myself on someone else, but when I'm crying myself to sleep because the bed feels cold and empty and I'm afraid to write about it because of how people might react, there has to be something wrong.
I was less afraid of being judged when I talked about my fairly randomised lesbian kissage a few years back. And I'm sure that's odd.
Comment at me and shout at me and tell me I'm being stupid, or whatever. I think it might help.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 09:11 am (UTC)I think you're brave for posting this - and hell, it's your LJ, talk about the wedding, celebrate it. Enjoy it. I wouldn't worry about what the minority (or even the majority) think. I guess some people get jealous when you find someone that you love enough to make a commitment that stretches beyond a shared mortgage or a cat.
I do think you worry way too much about what people think. I don't know the whole history of your sexuality or attachment to men/women but part of growing up is about trying new things. Perhaps the lesbian (or bisexual) label didn't fit and you're looking for a Colleen label perhaps? Along the way, because you didn't adhere to any one particular stereotype or sexuality, you (god forbid) riled a couple of people and confounded their opinion of you. Perhaps this is a good thing - and it shows you're not adraid to walk that line, to be yourself.
All I can say is - I hope Simon and your parents are very proud of you. I know you've certainly made me smile today.
Good on you!
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 09:41 am (UTC)If it's something you yourself are perfectly happy about & want to do why are you so unwilling to talk about it?
I'm currently going through something with Chris that I'm just not talking about because it's something I have to do but don't want to. But if it was something I was happy about I'd probably at least mention it & discuss it because it's nice to know what other people think.
Bu, for reassurance, I mean, I knew Simon & I was probably one of the main instigators of attempted huggings because I always found it fascinating that he just didn't like it. & you always seemed to epitomise lesbianity to me.
But, seeing you both in the pub together at Christmas (I think it was), you both 'fit'. You go together, there was no awkwardness between you that you might expect given your past lifestyles & I think that says more than anything else.
I suppose on the actual wedding bit, I think it's okay to be thinking about everything but I would say it was a bit soon to be really getting anything set in stone. I know all girls have ideas about what they want their wedding to be like but maybe you should concentrate on you & Simon. You don't see each other that often whilst you're at Uni, as you're well aware & maybe you should start thinking about it more when you're closer to finishing your degrees. Save by all means but you won't know how much will have changed in that time (heck, you yourself said it'd be four years hopefully till you marry).
I'm not saying don't think about these things because, hell, I'd love to know what kind of things your thinking about, but I think that given how much will change between now & the time that it will be feasable to have the wedding, it's probably best not to get anything set in stone.
In conclusion as long as I'm invited to the wedding, you do (& update) about whatever you want to. You love each other so why feel ashamed about it?
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 10:58 am (UTC)And I have to go now, but frankly I don't know if I can say more anyway because quite honestly I suck quite a bit at expressing important things. And I think I'm a little biased, (and if you want to make yourself feel better, look at the emo mess my journal is becoming at the moment!) so just general good vibes, yeah? *hugs* We're your friends whatever you do. And if you can't really talk to your mum about the wedding, well, we're here. It's early, yes, but it's such a big thing, and there's nothing wrong with looking forward to it and being organised. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 11:27 am (UTC)You two are perfect for each other, no matter what anyone else says. Anyone who can't see that isn't worth crying over.
Maybe your Mum's just having trouble wrapping her head around it all too. You said yourself, you and simon is a pretty bizarre concept, and combined with the fact that her daughter (who she probably still thinks of as a little girl) is getting married, it's probably just too completely and utterly mindboggling for her too really believe. She'll get her head round it eventually.
You write whatever you want here though, it's your LJ, and tell us all about what you want the wedding to be like cause we're all
noseyinterested.no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 11:55 am (UTC)Anyway, you know all that. But thinking "this is kinda weird" doesn't mean I don't care about you, and him, and want you to be happy and to hear about you being happy. Comprende?
(Also please do talk about colour schemes and suchlike, because someone needs to stop you dressing your bridesmaids in lime green. *g*)
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 12:56 pm (UTC)Also, wedding - it's not a planned thing yet and won't be for absolutely ages. Right now it's still at the vague stage of 'okay, let's have a vague idea so we know how much we need to save so that we can set a date' so um yes.
This comment is very much appreciated. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 12:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 12:59 pm (UTC)Thanks. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 01:01 pm (UTC)... that is very bad logic.
What, pray tell, is wrong with lime green? That's at the top of the list! (I jest, I jest...)
You are fab. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 07:30 pm (UTC)Things I have learned since I came home - NEVER watch 'Colin and Justin's Wedding Belles' (where the wonderful gay couple flail and try and organise weddings, needless to say they do it badly and everything seems to go wrong) cause it will make you SICK WITH FEAR over what can go wrong and also frightens me cause it reminds me that I'm actually going to get married one day.
I still find the wedding thing kinda odd and surreal myself, so I can understand not talking about it (if that makes sense).
Also of the understanding of the not talking about blokeh, well on my part it's sorta not being able to explain how I feel more than a 'he makes me so happy' without making it take over my whole journal.
Uhmm hope that helps/makes sense at all.
xx
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 08:54 pm (UTC)Im in Leigh, but only until Sunday avvie. Do you fancy doing for a quiet drink and a grand catch up on Saturday (tomorrow) night? It's been ages since we chatted and probably will be a very long time before we get to see each other again.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 09:03 pm (UTC)Ironically, tomorrow I am actually busy with family crap. My parents are gracing me with their presence and I need to be around whilst my mother twitters are me about looking thin or something and in the evening I have to go and be a good future-daughter-in-law because Simon is coming back from university etc etc. HOWEVER. Once I have got this mystical 'working' thing sorted out I have a Grand Scheme to come and annoy you in the new pad in Leeds for a few days, hopefully with Sidg in tow - presuming that's okay? Mostly cause I want a good gossip about you and Ollie...
no subject
Date: 2006-06-23 09:08 pm (UTC)You on MSN right now? Been trying to say hello but it's being random :os
Would love for you and Sidg to come and visit but Sidg seems quite distant at the moment :o(
no subject
Date: 2006-06-24 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-24 05:17 pm (UTC)People just have trouble getting their heads around the weirdness because everyone got used to the fact that you were a lesbian and that Simon was asexual and then that suddenly got flipped on it's head.
It's a bit confusing that's all.
Sit and plan to death. As much as I dislike the accusation that i can be girly then I like hearing about things like that. Anyway, it's your diary, gush :p
no subject
Date: 2006-06-27 08:02 pm (UTC)But yeah, back on topic, it HELPS LOADS to rant in here.. So GO YOU!!! You shouldn't have to worry bout people objecting to stuff, I mean sometimes I do private posts if I don't want anyone to know things but need to rant, and other times (especially to stop family reading posts) I'll put it on friends view... I <3 filters HAHA! So yeah, be emo when you need to... VENTING IS GOOOOD! ^-^
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