What kind of messed up system...
Jun. 1st, 2003 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hathycolWarning: Here follows a long and inane ramble about exams, college, results, and the future. Run! Run away! Save yourself from the madness of my psyche!
I've spent a lot of today thinking. And not just about biology/food tech/RE. I've been thinking about exams, and how absolutely ridiculous it is that most of my life from here on in will be governed by the results of a period of three, four weeks tops. I'm not a stupid person, and I'm not unintelligant, and I work bloody well when I need to, but exams are NOT what I'm good at. And no matter how much coursework I have to do, the fact remains that I still have to depends on exam for most of my grade.
And that's so, so unfair. And the rational part of my mind tells me that I'm going to be okay. The rational part of my mind is telling me that I know the material much better than I did in my mocks, and my mock grades were enough to get me into Winstanley. The rational part of my mind is telling me that, if I just about fail to get into Winstanley, both Preston and KGV will take me in.
The irrational part of my mind is the one thats made me bite my nails down the quick, the part of me that's making my stomach churn, the part of me thats screaming "You're crap! You're not going to get the grades for Winstanley! You'll never get to Preston, the journey's too long! You'll end up in a college you don't like, with people you don't like! Why bother?"
And I know it's stupid, but I've sat and worked my grades out, in "What I Should Get" and "Worst Case Scenario", taking away the two subjects I know I'll do the worst in.
English - A - 8 points
English Literature - A - 8 points
Music - C - 4 points
History - A* - 10 points
Science - B - 6 points
Science (Dual Award) - B - 6 points
RE - B - 6 points
DT - A - 8 points
That gets me 56 points. Which leaves me ten points to slosh around, and mess up, and what not.
But then there's list 2...
English - A - 8 points
English Literature - A - 8 points
Music - C - 4 points
History - A - 8 points
Science - C - 4 points
Science (Dual Award) - C - 4 points
RE - C - 4 points
DT - B - 6 points
46 points. Thats only just in. And leaves me no room for error. There are more worst case scenarios that this one, and I'm not even looking at it, the horrible, horrible knowledge that I'll fail them all.
Like everyone else, I've had the wonderful mental image, of sailing into school on August 21st, and coming out with nothing below a B. I mean, who hasn't had that mental image? (Or who always gets those results, for all those uber-intelligant people on my list, which appears to be pretty much everyone) It's a lovely, lovely fantasy, but I've got to stop living in the dream-wold and face the harsh reality that these are for real, and the exams are NOW.
I'm only 15, I'm not even 16 yet. What kind of messed up system puts this kind of stress on a person?
I'm not calm anymore. Now... now I'm scared.
I've spent a lot of today thinking. And not just about biology/food tech/RE. I've been thinking about exams, and how absolutely ridiculous it is that most of my life from here on in will be governed by the results of a period of three, four weeks tops. I'm not a stupid person, and I'm not unintelligant, and I work bloody well when I need to, but exams are NOT what I'm good at. And no matter how much coursework I have to do, the fact remains that I still have to depends on exam for most of my grade.
And that's so, so unfair. And the rational part of my mind tells me that I'm going to be okay. The rational part of my mind is telling me that I know the material much better than I did in my mocks, and my mock grades were enough to get me into Winstanley. The rational part of my mind is telling me that, if I just about fail to get into Winstanley, both Preston and KGV will take me in.
The irrational part of my mind is the one thats made me bite my nails down the quick, the part of me that's making my stomach churn, the part of me thats screaming "You're crap! You're not going to get the grades for Winstanley! You'll never get to Preston, the journey's too long! You'll end up in a college you don't like, with people you don't like! Why bother?"
And I know it's stupid, but I've sat and worked my grades out, in "What I Should Get" and "Worst Case Scenario", taking away the two subjects I know I'll do the worst in.
English - A - 8 points
English Literature - A - 8 points
Music - C - 4 points
History - A* - 10 points
Science - B - 6 points
Science (Dual Award) - B - 6 points
RE - B - 6 points
DT - A - 8 points
That gets me 56 points. Which leaves me ten points to slosh around, and mess up, and what not.
But then there's list 2...
English - A - 8 points
English Literature - A - 8 points
Music - C - 4 points
History - A - 8 points
Science - C - 4 points
Science (Dual Award) - C - 4 points
RE - C - 4 points
DT - B - 6 points
46 points. Thats only just in. And leaves me no room for error. There are more worst case scenarios that this one, and I'm not even looking at it, the horrible, horrible knowledge that I'll fail them all.
Like everyone else, I've had the wonderful mental image, of sailing into school on August 21st, and coming out with nothing below a B. I mean, who hasn't had that mental image? (Or who always gets those results, for all those uber-intelligant people on my list, which appears to be pretty much everyone) It's a lovely, lovely fantasy, but I've got to stop living in the dream-wold and face the harsh reality that these are for real, and the exams are NOW.
I'm only 15, I'm not even 16 yet. What kind of messed up system puts this kind of stress on a person?
I'm not calm anymore. Now... now I'm scared.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 03:03 pm (UTC)