hathycol | (no subject)

You know what? I'm really, really stupid. Last night I actually had a long thing on exactly what I was going to post tonight, and I forgot. It is about my dream last night, which was decidedly odd, and when I woke up at about 2.00am (something I'm doing fairly regularly now, worrying) I actually lay awake for a while thinking about it,s o now I'm not sure if I just woke up with this theory or if I dreamt it.

Help.

I dreamt about an alternative theory as to why Boromir wanted the Ring. Non slashy, which was mildy amazing too. Written up into story form, it goes something like this:

"Morgul, leader of the Nazgul and ex-Witch-King of Angmar, had a lot of time on his hands. Exciting though the job was (ha!), searching out One Rings and establishing Dol Guldor and et al, there was a lot of time to spare while Sauron recuperated. And Morgul was used to being a fairly powerful businessman.

Since no offical banks had been set in Middle-Earth yet, Morgul came across one helluva good idea. Middle-Earthians needed money, and he had a lot at his disposal. Wraith being he may have been, but he had taken a fair amount of his kingdom with him. Therefore, Morgul's conclusion was obvious- he became Middle-Earths first loan shark. After all, he had the cash, the menacing abilities, and he had The Boys to back him up. It was a profitable business, and Sauron need never know!

Several hundred years later, Boromir, Son Of Denethor came on the scene. It is a little known fact that Boromir did indeed have a wife, but unfortunately she was not the best at adding up, and spent thousands on little things like Lotto, an early form of Bingo, and of course, fripperies like getting her bikini line done. Historians have not yet found the name of Boromir's wife, but diaries have revealed the initials MS.

So, Boromir was broke, but he was a proud bastard. Could he go to his father? Nay! Could he go to Faramir? Nay! So, it was on the field of battle that Boromir, having heard of Morgul's loan scheme, cautiously approached his enemy for "Just a quick loan, mate. It's for the wife. You know how it is, don't you? Look, the slaughtering of your armies, it was a mistake, you know what the lads are like after a few pints. Besides, you did start it..."

Morgul, sensing a monitary gain, lent Boromir the appropriate funds, but failed to mention the exortioante interest rates should the loan not be paid back in two weeks. And to a Nazgul, a week is a day. Could Boromir pay the money back? Nay! His wife frittered it away. "But Boro, daaarling! You just know how it is, the Lady Of Dol Amroth has a new dress, and she always wants to appear so snobbish, I simply have to keep up!" So Morgul began to call The Boys in to get the loan back, and they were good at what they did. First, they took large portions of Ithilien, and even began to encroach on the innards of Gondor itself. Boromir despaired, and went to Morgul himself as a desperate man.

"Look, mate, I just can't afford it. You've been married-" Forsooth, the With-King himself had indeed been married, pre the days of Wraithness. Curling tendrils of smoke tended to put a dampner of more recent relationships- "and you know what they're like. Can you just give me a few days? Please?"

Alas, it was not to be. Morgul, enraged, took Osgiliath. "After all, you are the Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor, and therefore, it's your belonging for ME to reclaim!"

Despairing, Boromir confessed all to Faramir as they escaped from the burning Osgiliath. Faramir patted Boromir in a manly fashion, but too despaired. "Glad I'm not getting married," Faramir muttered as Boromir left. For yes, Boromir ran away from his troubles and ran into yet more as he arrived at Rivendell to answer a dream that had been plagueing him. Not the one about the giant carrot with the cheesegrater, or indeed the nightmarish images of bills, but the one about the Halfing and Isildur. Somewhere along the line, Boromir agreed to go on a Quest to save Middle-Earth. And when he agreed, he heard of how Morgul was so desperately seeking The One Ring, which the smaller a wussier Frodo was carrying on a really, really naff chain. "Aha!" Boromir thought unwisely. "If I nick the Ring, then I can give it to Morgul and be free of his debts!"

It was not for nothing they called Faramir the intelligent brother.

And so, the Quest went on, and Boromir tried repeatedly to win the Ring, but it was to no avail. Eventually, Boromir flipped out, and died because of it- pesky orcs. However, in his pride, he made up a half-garbled story to Aragorn about needing it for Gondor. Arrogant bastard to the last. And so died Boromir, son of Denethor.

And so, battle raged on, and Morgul was mightily pissed off, having lost money at one of Saruman's, the rival loan shark, Boys. He waged war on both Saruman and Faramir, determined to regain his loss. He got close in nearly killing Faramir, too, but he survived, somehow. Morgul was really, really irritated, and in his need for money (profits always went down during wars) he was attracted by the gold that King Theoden unwisely wore. He missed, however, Eowyn's sucessful attempt to kill him. Alas for Morgul. He went to the Afterlife having his ass kicked by a girl and down in profit.

Eowyn was gravely wounded in the battle, for Morgul didn't believe in not hitting girls, for he was Not Nice. She and Faramir lay in the same hospital (private, of course. They say the NHS is modelled on early versions of Gondorian healthcare) and when Faramir learned that he had slain his debtor, he kissed Eowyn in his joy. Eowyn, still feeling stung by Aragorn's rejection, took this as a marriage proposal and refused to let Faramir out of the engagement- something about "refuse me and wake up with your entrails around your neck, and I mean that!"

And so ended the tale of Morgul The Loan Shark. Remember kids, it's Not Nice to beat people for money. Chocolate is another matter, however."

You know what? I like that. Can we use it for Versathon, maybe, if I get it sorted. Hmmmm.

~Hathy_Col~