Blah.

Well. It is a Sunday. Tomorrow, I begin my GCSEs properly, and my mask of calm tranquility has completely vanished. I'm trying to go over my biology notes, which I think I'll be okay for, but, due to my extreme laziness, I am going to HAVE to be slaving over my reivison notes and books.

I have yet to begin revisign for maths, which is my worst subject by miles. I have rationalised that, if I do fail maths, it doesn't actually matter, since Winstanley only care about my first eight grades, so failing maths not even a concern. Because I will. Because I haven't revised, and I do mean at all. I'll start on... er... Tuesday. *coughs* I'm doing intermediate, how hard can it be? (Don't answer that)

In other, non-exam related news, I'm sunburnt. Fair hair, pale skin, bad combination in midday sun. Ah well. I'm used to sunburn. And it's only on my arm, I think.

Parents are out today, until about 7 at the earliest. They're off for "dinner" at a friends house (read: Drinking) so I am staying at home in the relative peace that parents being out brings. Megan's still home, but, literally overnight, she's turned into a sullen, reclusive bitch who refuses to talk to the family unless forced, plays music as loud as it'll go and only really comes downstairs to use the phone or demand that she has the TV. So, she'll be away from me, woohoo! So, I have peace.

To revise. Joy.

Anyway. I'm off to make some food, because I'm starving, so namarie and good luck to everyone else who's sitting exams tomorrow! ~Hathy_Col~

What kind of messed up system...

Warning: Here follows a long and inane ramble about exams, college, results, and the future. Run! Run away! Save yourself from the madness of my psyche!

I've spent a lot of today thinking. And not just about biology/food tech/RE. I've been thinking about exams, and how absolutely ridiculous it is that most of my life from here on in will be governed by the results of a period of three, four weeks tops. I'm not a stupid person, and I'm not unintelligant, and I work bloody well when I need to, but exams are NOT what I'm good at. And no matter how much coursework I have to do, the fact remains that I still have to depends on exam for most of my grade.

And that's so, so unfair. And the rational part of my mind tells me that I'm going to be okay. The rational part of my mind is telling me that I know the material much better than I did in my mocks, and my mock grades were enough to get me into Winstanley. The rational part of my mind is telling me that, if I just about fail to get into Winstanley, both Preston and KGV will take me in.

The irrational part of my mind is the one thats made me bite my nails down the quick, the part of me that's making my stomach churn, the part of me thats screaming "You're crap! You're not going to get the grades for Winstanley! You'll never get to Preston, the journey's too long! You'll end up in a college you don't like, with people you don't like! Why bother?"

And I know it's stupid, but I've sat and worked my grades out, in "What I Should Get" and "Worst Case Scenario", taking away the two subjects I know I'll do the worst in.

English - A - 8 points
English Literature - A - 8 points
Music - C - 4 points
History - A* - 10 points
Science - B - 6 points
Science (Dual Award) - B - 6 points
RE - B - 6 points
DT - A - 8 points

That gets me 56 points. Which leaves me ten points to slosh around, and mess up, and what not.

But then there's list 2...

English - A - 8 points
English Literature - A - 8 points
Music - C - 4 points
History - A - 8 points
Science - C - 4 points
Science (Dual Award) - C - 4 points
RE - C - 4 points
DT - B - 6 points

46 points. Thats only just in. And leaves me no room for error. There are more worst case scenarios that this one, and I'm not even looking at it, the horrible, horrible knowledge that I'll fail them all.

Like everyone else, I've had the wonderful mental image, of sailing into school on August 21st, and coming out with nothing below a B. I mean, who hasn't had that mental image? (Or who always gets those results, for all those uber-intelligant people on my list, which appears to be pretty much everyone) It's a lovely, lovely fantasy, but I've got to stop living in the dream-wold and face the harsh reality that these are for real, and the exams are NOW.

I'm only 15, I'm not even 16 yet. What kind of messed up system puts this kind of stress on a person?

I'm not calm anymore. Now... now I'm scared.