(no subject)

[hathycol]

Another whiny post. Skip if the mood doesn't take, if you feel happy, if you're fed up with my OMG TEH ANGST posts, because heaven knows I am but I plan to kep this journal as a sort of "What I Did With My Life" when I'm old and I just don't want the happy memories, because hell, I have weird masochistic urges.

I have made the biggest fucking mistake and I think I'm going to start doing the crying thing again.

As you all will know, I am in the process of applying for university and have bnow sent if off to the referee. I think it's set in stone now, although I'm not quite sure. I was absentmindedly flicking through my print off of my UCAS form and I've not finished a sentence in my personal statement. It reads thus:

In my A-Level Politics course I have been studying modern day Parliament which has proved itself to work well with. I also study English Language...

Now, logically I'm telling myself that it's only one sentence. That there's probably a way to change it. That my fucking useless shit of a PT should have picked up on it as he was fucking proofreading and I'm not infallible. That, y'know, it's not the end of the world and that it can probably be changed and etc and etc and etc.

The fact of the matter is, yes, it is my fault because it's my form and I need to get out of this childish mentality that I can blame things on other people. And they probably can't/won't do anything about it and I've just fucked up my university applications and things are that tight between applications that they'll turn me down on that alone, and I'm really not joking.

I feel sick. And I'm fed up of feeling miserable like this. Today is Novemeber 11th, and I held the silence. By myself. I realise that my thing about Armistice Day is a little odd, but I think it's important to remember war as a whole. To remember wars effects on people, that the people dying on the TV are real people. That's why I honour Armistice Day and Remembrance Sunday. They did the alarm and my media class just carried on talking, which has resolved my opinions that I may be going to s slighlty more intelligent college now but I'm still surrounded by superficial little cunts who don't care about much except for themselves. Which is an odd feeling, as I had a rather good morning bonding with various people by playing violent Snap in my free period, and English was shit because it involved a timed essay which none of us could do, and we had a good long rant about it when Fran left the room. And for the first time I got an A on an editorial piece of writing. And I even managed to get the gear into college for training.

So I should be in a good mood. Hell, I've even done my homework. But all I want to do is have a little cry somewhere and just not wake up and face my own stupidity.

Have I mentioned that I hate feeling like this? And that oh, I feel like such a berk writing all this down? Why can I never get across what I feel like without sounding like an angst-ridden 14 year old? Another reasons to feel inadequate.

I've just lost my chance to go to St Andrews. And I worked so fucking hard.

starisfading deserves a fucking medal. I need to go and find out if it's got past the referee stage, as if it hasn't there's a chance I can salvage it. Erm. Feel this post is wankerish. However, the feelings are still valid.

~Hathy_Col~

Comments

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

If it's got past your referee, get thee down to your main office, if the college has one. Our forms used to be in transit for two days at least. Good luck, though I doubt it will make a huge amount of difference. Everyone will have something like that - I had sentence fragments all over the place and massively late essays, Hannah applied to the wrong course, etc, etc, it will be fine. *loves*