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May. 29th, 2008 12:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hathycolSo, Simon just broke up with me.
I don't know what to do. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why. I don't know what's happening. All I know is that any minute now I'm going to let out a really big keening wail and then I don't know if I'm ever going to stop.
I can't believe I can still use punctuation.
i dont know what to do.
eta: okay. A few hours on, now that I have stopped crying for a few minutes at a time, I am going to write about this publicly (well, friends-cut) and as honestly as I can because to be honest it might do me good. My housemates are being wonderful, but I am crap at person-to-person communication.
I... this is hurting. This is hurting more than anything has ever hurt me before, mostly because I have been the breaker rather than the breakee ever since I was fifteen. And I'm torn between wanting to just curl up in my bed and die or just screaming obscenities into the air and possibly down the phone. I have, as yet, done neither, and probably won't. I can't believe this is happening because there were no damn hints. We had a nasty argument around Christmas, but that was all resolved. He even came up and visited three weeks ago, and I cannot resolve that Simon who cared for me with the one that told me 'he loved me but not enough'. And I shouted, and I begged, and I sobbed, and all the while he just... didn't care. I don't know. I'm phrasing that wrong. I can't believe this is happening, though, because I can't understand it; we've not been arguing, we've not been distant, it was all okay. I was planning to visit him soon, and I was looking forward to it so much.
I don't know how I can carry on, because everything was planned arund this future we had all mapped out, and it was only a year away. oh fuck crying again. We were going to get married. We had made plans. We were talking about it not that long ago. I just can't understand this, and I don't know how people are going to expect me to be normal. I kind of want to go home rather than be in this house where it all happened, but it's so far away, and I have work starting on Monday, and there's a DocSoc thing happening on Saturday at my house and I don't want to miss it, obviously.
I keep on expecting the phone to ring and to be told it's all a horrible mistake. And then the phone did ring before, but it was work, so I was all confused at cried at my new boss who now probably thinks I'm a madwoman. Great start. I just want to wake up and be told that it's all just a nightmare, that he'd never leave me, like he promised. I keep checking my e-mail and stuff and there's nothing, but I can't concentrate on reading or starting on my dissertation because I have a meeting on Monday, so I just check the internet, and my housemates are being wonderful and I managed an hour but I don't think I can do any more time with other people either so then I check my e-mail and it's empty and oh god what am I going to do.
And oh god, I want someone to keep an eye on him and let me know if he's okay too because I can't bear it something does happen to him.
I'm allowing comments now, but anything along the lines of 'well, I told you so' 'I knew you were too young' or 'get back on the horse' will result in me hunting you down and hurting you. You're probably thinking it, but I don't want to hear it. Anything more helpful thought would be appreciated, because I feel terribly alone. Sorry. Being an emo. I know.
I don't know what to do. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why. I don't know what's happening. All I know is that any minute now I'm going to let out a really big keening wail and then I don't know if I'm ever going to stop.
I can't believe I can still use punctuation.
i dont know what to do.
eta: okay. A few hours on, now that I have stopped crying for a few minutes at a time, I am going to write about this publicly (well, friends-cut) and as honestly as I can because to be honest it might do me good. My housemates are being wonderful, but I am crap at person-to-person communication.
I... this is hurting. This is hurting more than anything has ever hurt me before, mostly because I have been the breaker rather than the breakee ever since I was fifteen. And I'm torn between wanting to just curl up in my bed and die or just screaming obscenities into the air and possibly down the phone. I have, as yet, done neither, and probably won't. I can't believe this is happening because there were no damn hints. We had a nasty argument around Christmas, but that was all resolved. He even came up and visited three weeks ago, and I cannot resolve that Simon who cared for me with the one that told me 'he loved me but not enough'. And I shouted, and I begged, and I sobbed, and all the while he just... didn't care. I don't know. I'm phrasing that wrong. I can't believe this is happening, though, because I can't understand it; we've not been arguing, we've not been distant, it was all okay. I was planning to visit him soon, and I was looking forward to it so much.
I don't know how I can carry on, because everything was planned arund this future we had all mapped out, and it was only a year away. oh fuck crying again. We were going to get married. We had made plans. We were talking about it not that long ago. I just can't understand this, and I don't know how people are going to expect me to be normal. I kind of want to go home rather than be in this house where it all happened, but it's so far away, and I have work starting on Monday, and there's a DocSoc thing happening on Saturday at my house and I don't want to miss it, obviously.
I keep on expecting the phone to ring and to be told it's all a horrible mistake. And then the phone did ring before, but it was work, so I was all confused at cried at my new boss who now probably thinks I'm a madwoman. Great start. I just want to wake up and be told that it's all just a nightmare, that he'd never leave me, like he promised. I keep checking my e-mail and stuff and there's nothing, but I can't concentrate on reading or starting on my dissertation because I have a meeting on Monday, so I just check the internet, and my housemates are being wonderful and I managed an hour but I don't think I can do any more time with other people either so then I check my e-mail and it's empty and oh god what am I going to do.
And oh god, I want someone to keep an eye on him and let me know if he's okay too because I can't bear it something does happen to him.
I'm allowing comments now, but anything along the lines of 'well, I told you so' 'I knew you were too young' or 'get back on the horse' will result in me hunting you down and hurting you. You're probably thinking it, but I don't want to hear it. Anything more helpful thought would be appreciated, because I feel terribly alone. Sorry. Being an emo. I know.
