(no subject)

[hathycol]

So, Simon just broke up with me.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why. I don't know what's happening. All I know is that any minute now I'm going to let out a really big keening wail and then I don't know if I'm ever going to stop.

I can't believe I can still use punctuation.

i dont know what to do.

eta: okay. A few hours on, now that I have stopped crying for a few minutes at a time, I am going to write about this publicly (well, friends-cut) and as honestly as I can because to be honest it might do me good. My housemates are being wonderful, but I am crap at person-to-person communication.

I... this is hurting. This is hurting more than anything has ever hurt me before, mostly because I have been the breaker rather than the breakee ever since I was fifteen. And I'm torn between wanting to just curl up in my bed and die or just screaming obscenities into the air and possibly down the phone. I have, as yet, done neither, and probably won't. I can't believe this is happening because there were no damn hints. We had a nasty argument around Christmas, but that was all resolved. He even came up and visited three weeks ago, and I cannot resolve that Simon who cared for me with the one that told me 'he loved me but not enough'. And I shouted, and I begged, and I sobbed, and all the while he just... didn't care. I don't know. I'm phrasing that wrong. I can't believe this is happening, though, because I can't understand it; we've not been arguing, we've not been distant, it was all okay. I was planning to visit him soon, and I was looking forward to it so much.

I don't know how I can carry on, because everything was planned arund this future we had all mapped out, and it was only a year away. oh fuck crying again. We were going to get married. We had made plans. We were talking about it not that long ago. I just can't understand this, and I don't know how people are going to expect me to be normal. I kind of want to go home rather than be in this house where it all happened, but it's so far away, and I have work starting on Monday, and there's a DocSoc thing happening on Saturday at my house and I don't want to miss it, obviously.

I keep on expecting the phone to ring and to be told it's all a horrible mistake. And then the phone did ring before, but it was work, so I was all confused at cried at my new boss who now probably thinks I'm a madwoman. Great start. I just want to wake up and be told that it's all just a nightmare, that he'd never leave me, like he promised. I keep checking my e-mail and stuff and there's nothing, but I can't concentrate on reading or starting on my dissertation because I have a meeting on Monday, so I just check the internet, and my housemates are being wonderful and I managed an hour but I don't think I can do any more time with other people either so then I check my e-mail and it's empty and oh god what am I going to do.

And oh god, I want someone to keep an eye on him and let me know if he's okay too because I can't bear it something does happen to him.

I'm allowing comments now, but anything along the lines of 'well, I told you so' 'I knew you were too young' or 'get back on the horse' will result in me hunting you down and hurting you. You're probably thinking it, but I don't want to hear it. Anything more helpful thought would be appreciated, because I feel terribly alone. Sorry. Being an emo. I know.

Comments

[sunlightdances.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. *holds you* *strokes your hair* You want to shout, scream, wail? You do it. I'm crap at person-to-person communication too, plus medication, otherwise I'd call you, but you can write anything you want to me. Does email count as person to person? pinkishmew @ gmail.com if - I don't know. For anything. I'm so sorry, and I can't imagine how much it hurts.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[ann-pan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I know there's probably nothing I can say to make you feel better at the moment. All I can suggest is eating a whole lot of chocolate, it is every girl's friend. *hugs*

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I have chocolate and wine. It's all good.

[spacellama.livejournal.com]

Am not thinking it.

Am thinking how you must feel and wanting so much to hug you and make you some tea and let you cry it all out.

The de rigeur chick-flick movie marathon can happen in about a week. Until them: lots of ice cream and girl-bonding stuff, k?

*so many hugs*

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I have had lots of tea but can't face chick-flicks right now. Thank you, though. *hugs*

[spacellama.livejournal.com]

The anger phase should arrive soon. What you'll need then is ass-whuppin flicks.

[mettanna.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what i can say, and i feel shit for not knowing what to say. Just to let you know that, well, hi. And i'm really good for being shouted at, if you need.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[loneraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god, sweetheart. I love you. Do you want me to call you tonight? I will anyway, and you can hang up on me if you'd rather not talk. I love you, I love you, I am right here for anything I can do or anything you might need.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

It's the end of your finals, you do not need me wailing on you. There is an emphasis on wailing if I talk about it. Thank you for the offer, though, and I will probably phone you at some point soon, though. *hugs*

[aelie-baby.livejournal.com]

There's nothing I can say that can make you feel better, so just know that I'm so sorry and I'm sending you all kinds of love from Texas. ♥

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Thank you. <3

[trav28.livejournal.com]

Babe, I am so sorry to hear that. If you need a chillout day in Brum when I get back from NYC, please look us up. I will ensure your days are filled with good chocolate and nights with choice Dr Who or whatever you fancy watching.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I have a plan involving wine and chocolate and Britain's Got Talent. Thank you.

[shoe--gal.livejournal.com]

Really, really sorry to hear that. Take care of yourself.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[tau_sigma]

Oh my god. I'm so sorry, love. I wish there were something more useful I could say - you have my e-mail address, right? Le me know if you would like me to phone, and I will; if you want to talk, or just to cry down the phone, because goodness' knows you've done it for me over less.

(If you do want to get hold of me over the next week or so for a chat or a verbal hug, if you find you can't get through on my mobile number try 07908724512 - long, unimportant story involving PAC codes and temporary numbers, should be sorted in the next few days, would hate you to try to phone and be bollocksed up by that, though.)

Sending so, so many hugs your way, love. And prayers, for what it's worth. *hugs*

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that. Thanks.

[hyrnetanga.livejournal.com]

*has no idea what to say but is sending a bucket-load of virtual hugs, tea and chocolate*

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[purplerainbow.livejournal.com]

I'm really really sorry to hear about this my dear, and although there's not much that anyone can say that's of any use, I am sending you good wishes. Chocolate! And wine! Both good things. xx

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that. Thanks.

[not-vacillating.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this, my dear. I think it's always a shock when it actually happens, even if there are clues; but it sounds like it's more about him than you. Is it to be a total break-off, or are you the sort of person who can stay friends afterwards? Could you ask to keep your plans to visit in place and just spend some no-pressure time as nothing more than friends--you might find it clarifies the situation for both of you much better than emotionally-draining telephone calls.

If not, then don't be afraid to grieve. It's a big loss.

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what's going on now. I wish I did. Your advice is sensible, and I'll think on it. Thank you.

[logmplus1.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It's not much use, but *hugs* anyway. Similarly, if you want an ear, my number is 07729 983241

[hathy-col.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[tashmania.livejournal.com]

Oh my god I'm so sorry hon. I really truly am. React in whatever way feels best to you; if that is wailing/shouting, then so be it.

I really don't know what else to say though, this must be so difficult for you.

*adds to the hugs, chocolate and wine*

[susie22.livejournal.com]

Oh Colleen. I am just so so sorry, I really am. I don't know what to say. I'm sending all kinds of hugs your way. Take care of yourself dearie, would love to meet up and have a chat if you're free in a few weeks.

*hugs a lot*