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Things are a little awful in my head, at the moment. It's a combination of a few things, really. First is that my grandmother is very ill - declining, really - and grandad has been told point blank she needs to go into a nursing home otherwise social services will get involved. Mum and I are both of the opinion that this is a good thing, and is the best place for all concerned, but it still sucks. "God forgive me," Mum said on the phone on Friday night, "but it would be kinder if she passed before going into a home."
"God forgive me too," I responded, "because I agree with you."
(Two generations who have both worked in nursing homes and have cheerful agreements that whilst we will not hesitate to put the other in a home if required we will also not hesitate to go the Dignitas route, either. And they say my years of doing that work to pay the bills during uni wasn't useful.)
So that's awful.
I feel really selfish because I do find myself thinking that it's just Another Bloody Thing in the litany of woe that is 2014, really. College is a mess. Tuesday night going fine, one assignment down, on to the next module. Thursday night teacher had a class rebellion which ended in her admitting she hadn't read the course requirements and was just going by the schedule of work wich she didn't really understand and 'wasn't necessary'. She fails to grasp that whilst we don't care if we miss out on the methods of learning we do still need to learn the actual topics because we have to prove we know them to pass this thing which will affect our careers. Don't even get my started on her assignment. We've been given an extra week on it, which is fine except for the fact we've all spent bloody hours on it as it is. I have now taken the option of 'fuck it', corrected a few bits based on the Thursday night meltdown, and now just doing the rest of it and if I fail then I technically get 'referred' and just told how to correct it so I pass. It's hardly inspiring, though.
My mood is also pretty low due to the changes in daylight. I'm trying to be proactive and take a route to work which means I get off a few stations early and walk and try and take into some daylight but I still feel quite... off. And strangely lonely, despite the fact I am socialising and now have plans right the way up until Christmas. I can't really put my finger on it.
It may be because work is so hectic at the moment, the kind where I hesitate to admit this because it goes against every one of my principles but I've e-mailed some work to myself to do today. It's definitely a one off, and I'm rewarding myself by taking some time back later this month, but I can't help the nagging feeling that it might be a slippy slope. But that said, I'm not being that productive in work, either, in the same way I'm struggling with this assignment; I know that if I just stop staring at the computer, if I just take ten minutes to really think I can get through this paragraph/booking this interview/dealing with this HR enquiry/make this shopping list but instead I just get a bit paralysed and go and read fanfiction or do a task that absolutely does need doing but is easier and lower priority.
Er, reading over all of the above I sound quite a lot more angsty than I really feel. I'm not that bad, I promise. It's just... well, I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be quite honest. Despite the long list of genuinely lovely things that's happened. For example, I went out last night and sort of started tentatively Making A New Friend with a uni acquaintance. That was good! And next week I'm going to go to Oxford and have a pint in the Eagle and Child and that is VERY good! There's just a lot of rubbishness at the moment as well, that's all, and I would like it to stop making my brain feel so flat periodically.
"God forgive me too," I responded, "because I agree with you."
(Two generations who have both worked in nursing homes and have cheerful agreements that whilst we will not hesitate to put the other in a home if required we will also not hesitate to go the Dignitas route, either. And they say my years of doing that work to pay the bills during uni wasn't useful.)
So that's awful.
I feel really selfish because I do find myself thinking that it's just Another Bloody Thing in the litany of woe that is 2014, really. College is a mess. Tuesday night going fine, one assignment down, on to the next module. Thursday night teacher had a class rebellion which ended in her admitting she hadn't read the course requirements and was just going by the schedule of work wich she didn't really understand and 'wasn't necessary'. She fails to grasp that whilst we don't care if we miss out on the methods of learning we do still need to learn the actual topics because we have to prove we know them to pass this thing which will affect our careers. Don't even get my started on her assignment. We've been given an extra week on it, which is fine except for the fact we've all spent bloody hours on it as it is. I have now taken the option of 'fuck it', corrected a few bits based on the Thursday night meltdown, and now just doing the rest of it and if I fail then I technically get 'referred' and just told how to correct it so I pass. It's hardly inspiring, though.
My mood is also pretty low due to the changes in daylight. I'm trying to be proactive and take a route to work which means I get off a few stations early and walk and try and take into some daylight but I still feel quite... off. And strangely lonely, despite the fact I am socialising and now have plans right the way up until Christmas. I can't really put my finger on it.
It may be because work is so hectic at the moment, the kind where I hesitate to admit this because it goes against every one of my principles but I've e-mailed some work to myself to do today. It's definitely a one off, and I'm rewarding myself by taking some time back later this month, but I can't help the nagging feeling that it might be a slippy slope. But that said, I'm not being that productive in work, either, in the same way I'm struggling with this assignment; I know that if I just stop staring at the computer, if I just take ten minutes to really think I can get through this paragraph/booking this interview/dealing with this HR enquiry/make this shopping list but instead I just get a bit paralysed and go and read fanfiction or do a task that absolutely does need doing but is easier and lower priority.
Er, reading over all of the above I sound quite a lot more angsty than I really feel. I'm not that bad, I promise. It's just... well, I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be quite honest. Despite the long list of genuinely lovely things that's happened. For example, I went out last night and sort of started tentatively Making A New Friend with a uni acquaintance. That was good! And next week I'm going to go to Oxford and have a pint in the Eagle and Child and that is VERY good! There's just a lot of rubbishness at the moment as well, that's all, and I would like it to stop making my brain feel so flat periodically.
no subject
Your teacher sounds appalling - how infuriating. How on earth can she not have read the course requirements? That's awful.
Enjoy Oxford, and I hope things feel less grim.
no subject
The downside of increased medical care in early and middle life means that we have longer to fall apart in late life. After watching my grandfather lose his mind (very literally) to dementia, Mum told me that if she ever gets like that, I'm to give her a handful of pills and tell her that they'll make everything better. I'm more likely to take her to Switzerland, though...
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You know, I don't think that's selfish at all; I think when life punches you in the face repeatedly, even if it is also punching other people, that doesn't take away from the fact that your face gets very bruised.
(That metaphor worked a lot better in my head.)
*hugs* You sound really quite down. I wish I could do more than remote hugs, although that said, next weekend there will be REAL HUGS in REAL LIFE with COCKTAILS. Can you tell I'm excited? It will be the best thing to happen to me in WEEKS.