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Jun. 8th, 2005 04:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hathycolOkay, I've not gone and thrown myself under a lorry out of angst, nor have I gone and dyed my hair black and written some shite emo poetry. Instead, I moped around the house, learnt some Oliver Cromwell, felt worse, got a hug from Dad, felt better, went to Rangers and saw ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
calumnity2 who claims I ignore her in this LJ. Now I do not. Huzzah!
Allow me to explain myself. The driving test is just so... weird. I felt sick with nerves all morning and I couldn't sleep. I got into the car and I was just so... ugh. I felt like I had a combination of stage fright, travel sickness and jetlag. This is not a good combination for driving. So, I was het up and nervous (at one point, when I stupidly stalled, I felt that bad I was going to ask to pull over so I could be sick) and then he made me WAIT. I was sat in that car with my head over the steering wheel, shaking, and it was the longest minute of my life. All that emotion and worry came out in the form of crying over the steering wheel. And then Phil had to drive me home. Which was also embarrassing and awful and humiliating.
However, they say if you fall of a bike you should get straight back on. Mum said that to me on Monday night to which I responded "I thought I wasn't meant to. That's the whole point!" However, I went driving yesterday (between revision, hence the Not Online-ness). I drove to Iona's with the entire family (and the dog) and Megan got tutored and we walked EVERYWHERE, what with the fact Iona lives by a pretty little beach and a forest full of squirrels. We also got lost coming back, which is embarrassing. I also went out driving today like a good little solider. I can put in for my test two weeks today and I'm going to grab the first thing that comes up. I am going to pass this bitch if it kills me. I had one major fault but I was okay for everything else, which is annoying...
I have also phoned up for two rather different jobs to day. One for door to door sales (I could... probably... do that) and one for domestic staff in a nursing home. The money isn't bad for either and I could probably keep on at Homebase this way. Don't know if that's a good thng or not, but I'm Taking Charge of my life if it kills me. (That would probably defeat the object.) Hence the fact today I drove, blasted hrough half an English module and phoned for jobs. YAY ME.
Actually, there is a point to this post, as apart to my usual "HELLO ALL I'M GOING TO PRETEND YOU CARE ABOUT MY LIFE."
On Monday, I watched a season one Buffy episode - Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind. This is a bit of a rariety for me. I'm not a raving Buffy fan, but it is the only fandom show I've watched from the very beginning to the very end, no loss of faith in the middle, no buggaring off for another fandom. But I'd actually never seen this one, although I hd seen the last five minutes when I was about 12 on the Beeb. (OLD SKULE.) The basic plot (it's season one,I'm not cutting this) is that a girl is ignored the whole way through high school, and turns invisible. Then tries to kill Cordelia And Pals out of rage.
It's an interesting idea, I suppose. You get ignored and you do a Moomin and become invisible. (I refuse to believe I was the only person who remembers that show.) And, of course, the poor girl is all lonely because none of the popular kids like her. To make it all ohsoworse, she's ignored by everyone else too. No one pays any attention to the poor thing. So she's homicidal.
All I could think was "Dude, is that IT? Why the fuck are you complaining?" If this had happened to Jonathan, I could have seen where the character was coming from. (For those that don't know Buffy, Jonathan was the peripharal outsider nerd who was constantly bullied.) I'd have given anything to be ignored in high school, some years. My situation wasn't entirely dire, I have to admit. I actually managed to make some fabulous friends and had a pretty okay last two years in high school. The first three years though? Worst of my life. People would almost constantly make snide little comments about me, to my face and behind my back. I couldn't do or say a thing wrong, and it didn't really help that I wasn't the kind of girl who fitted in easily. Let's jump fandoms a moment. If I was a Harry Potter character, I'd be a weird combination of Hermione and Luna, I think. Hermione BEFORE she was friends with Ron and Harry, I hasten to add. I was intelligent and I let people know it, and by god I was weird. I still am, but that's because I've learnt to accept it. Those three years I tried everything to make myself more normal, but that never worked either. All those girly magazines with hints on what the laest look is are all crap when you have hair that's marked you out since day one.
That's what it always comes down to, my hair. I'm glad I have it now, as I wouldn't be me without it, but I have Crazy Hair. This marked me out as a Crazy Person since day one at school and it never really ended. It's shallow, but true.
So, people picked on me. I had nothing better to do some lunchtimes than sit and read books and feel horribly insecure about my social standing with people. Fortunately, I discovered sci-fi when I was about 13, and fandom with it. I probably would have killed myself without it, no kidding. I would have had NO FRIENDS and the insecurity to go with it. I could deal with having no friends because I had this thing on the internet that was just for me. People who were like me, were intelligent, were cool, liked the same things I did. It stopped mattering, you see, that people made snarky comments. It's not like it stopped as I got older. I found some friends on the basis that I had this confidence, and it turned out they quite liked having the weird one around. That's still my place now, and god, I'm happy in it. I like being a little bit eclectic. It's not stopped, though. Even at my Leaver's Do I had pathetic comments made about me to my face. Last year was a daily hell with people taking the piss of the bus, all people from high school. "EEEE YOU BIG LESBIAN!" I had all kinds of crap in high school, too, and that spills over on the street sometimes. People shout "FREAK!" at me to my face as though I care.
But if I hadn't found sci-fi... I don't think I could have coped with all of that, you know? So I was one of the lucky ones. I escaped. Even now, though, I think I'd quite like it if people had ignored me rather than actually actively bullied me.
Ugh, I hate that word. It makes me feel like such a victim, and I always protest that it never was that bad. Was it, though? I look back and god, I feel awful just thinking about it. That makes me sound a bit emo and rubbish and "NO ONE LOVES ME" and I don't like that in an LJ post. That's what it was, though. But yeah, I survived.
Back to the original point. Personally, I reckon that Jonathan is the more sympathetic characterr. He is constantly ridiculed and heckled and also has no friends, or at least no friends until he becomes Teh Evil later on. I can understand his motives to be seen in 'Superstar'. He gives no intential harm, then, just a desperate wish to be seen and loved and understood. Whereas Marcie had no such sympathy. She came across a whiny and spoilt and no better than Cordelia, which may have been the point. Either way, the episode came across as empty to me because of that.
...
And THAT was the longest review of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer I have ever given.
That's about all I've done recently, though. I have another post waiting to be written regarding the adventures of Dad, the Indiana Jones of Suburbia, as well as some great photos of him falling over the hedge (...) and possibly the best video EVER. However, that is for another time. Back to revision...
Oh, and if I don't get back on today, EVERYONE in the UK should watch The Thirteenth Warrior on ITV1 at 11pm. It's such a good film. And looking throuh the rubbishy magazine I found the listing in, there's a photo story with Peter Davison and a picture from The Five Doctors. I squeed. And took a bad photo. And put it up on LJ.
Text - Four Docs and a dummy.
All the Doctor Whos - I was the resident Doctor at the time - were reunited for a story in 1983 called The Five Doctors. But we did cheat a bit with this publicity shot. The original Doctor, William Hartnell, had died, so Richard Hurdnall (far left) pretended to be him. And Tom Baker was worried about being too readily associated with the programme, so he refused to take part and replaced in this shot by a waxwork dummy (middle). In the programme itself, they used unseen footage of Tom from when he was the Doctor. I only have happy memories of this series. It was good for my career and I still attend DoctorWho conventions. What do I think of the new show? I know I'm a traditionalist, but it seems Chris Eccleston has tried to distance himself from previouis Doctors when maybe he should at least give a nod in their direction. If it wasn't for fans of the earlier Doctors, the series would never have come back.
(Crappy photo taken by camera as scanner Be Dead)
I am also worrying aboutelfnut. Stay safe and if you have the time, put out a message to let us know that you and all the elflings are okay.
~Hathy_Col~
Chomsky believes that children's abiluity to learn language is completely innate and mostly genetic. As such, much of the learning is passive.
calumnity2 who claims I ignore her in this LJ. Now I do not. Huzzah!Allow me to explain myself. The driving test is just so... weird. I felt sick with nerves all morning and I couldn't sleep. I got into the car and I was just so... ugh. I felt like I had a combination of stage fright, travel sickness and jetlag. This is not a good combination for driving. So, I was het up and nervous (at one point, when I stupidly stalled, I felt that bad I was going to ask to pull over so I could be sick) and then he made me WAIT. I was sat in that car with my head over the steering wheel, shaking, and it was the longest minute of my life. All that emotion and worry came out in the form of crying over the steering wheel. And then Phil had to drive me home. Which was also embarrassing and awful and humiliating.
However, they say if you fall of a bike you should get straight back on. Mum said that to me on Monday night to which I responded "I thought I wasn't meant to. That's the whole point!" However, I went driving yesterday (between revision, hence the Not Online-ness). I drove to Iona's with the entire family (and the dog) and Megan got tutored and we walked EVERYWHERE, what with the fact Iona lives by a pretty little beach and a forest full of squirrels. We also got lost coming back, which is embarrassing. I also went out driving today like a good little solider. I can put in for my test two weeks today and I'm going to grab the first thing that comes up. I am going to pass this bitch if it kills me. I had one major fault but I was okay for everything else, which is annoying...
I have also phoned up for two rather different jobs to day. One for door to door sales (I could... probably... do that) and one for domestic staff in a nursing home. The money isn't bad for either and I could probably keep on at Homebase this way. Don't know if that's a good thng or not, but I'm Taking Charge of my life if it kills me. (That would probably defeat the object.) Hence the fact today I drove, blasted hrough half an English module and phoned for jobs. YAY ME.
Actually, there is a point to this post, as apart to my usual "HELLO ALL I'M GOING TO PRETEND YOU CARE ABOUT MY LIFE."
On Monday, I watched a season one Buffy episode - Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind. This is a bit of a rariety for me. I'm not a raving Buffy fan, but it is the only fandom show I've watched from the very beginning to the very end, no loss of faith in the middle, no buggaring off for another fandom. But I'd actually never seen this one, although I hd seen the last five minutes when I was about 12 on the Beeb. (OLD SKULE.) The basic plot (it's season one,I'm not cutting this) is that a girl is ignored the whole way through high school, and turns invisible. Then tries to kill Cordelia And Pals out of rage.
It's an interesting idea, I suppose. You get ignored and you do a Moomin and become invisible. (I refuse to believe I was the only person who remembers that show.) And, of course, the poor girl is all lonely because none of the popular kids like her. To make it all ohsoworse, she's ignored by everyone else too. No one pays any attention to the poor thing. So she's homicidal.
All I could think was "Dude, is that IT? Why the fuck are you complaining?" If this had happened to Jonathan, I could have seen where the character was coming from. (For those that don't know Buffy, Jonathan was the peripharal outsider nerd who was constantly bullied.) I'd have given anything to be ignored in high school, some years. My situation wasn't entirely dire, I have to admit. I actually managed to make some fabulous friends and had a pretty okay last two years in high school. The first three years though? Worst of my life. People would almost constantly make snide little comments about me, to my face and behind my back. I couldn't do or say a thing wrong, and it didn't really help that I wasn't the kind of girl who fitted in easily. Let's jump fandoms a moment. If I was a Harry Potter character, I'd be a weird combination of Hermione and Luna, I think. Hermione BEFORE she was friends with Ron and Harry, I hasten to add. I was intelligent and I let people know it, and by god I was weird. I still am, but that's because I've learnt to accept it. Those three years I tried everything to make myself more normal, but that never worked either. All those girly magazines with hints on what the laest look is are all crap when you have hair that's marked you out since day one.
That's what it always comes down to, my hair. I'm glad I have it now, as I wouldn't be me without it, but I have Crazy Hair. This marked me out as a Crazy Person since day one at school and it never really ended. It's shallow, but true.
So, people picked on me. I had nothing better to do some lunchtimes than sit and read books and feel horribly insecure about my social standing with people. Fortunately, I discovered sci-fi when I was about 13, and fandom with it. I probably would have killed myself without it, no kidding. I would have had NO FRIENDS and the insecurity to go with it. I could deal with having no friends because I had this thing on the internet that was just for me. People who were like me, were intelligent, were cool, liked the same things I did. It stopped mattering, you see, that people made snarky comments. It's not like it stopped as I got older. I found some friends on the basis that I had this confidence, and it turned out they quite liked having the weird one around. That's still my place now, and god, I'm happy in it. I like being a little bit eclectic. It's not stopped, though. Even at my Leaver's Do I had pathetic comments made about me to my face. Last year was a daily hell with people taking the piss of the bus, all people from high school. "EEEE YOU BIG LESBIAN!" I had all kinds of crap in high school, too, and that spills over on the street sometimes. People shout "FREAK!" at me to my face as though I care.
But if I hadn't found sci-fi... I don't think I could have coped with all of that, you know? So I was one of the lucky ones. I escaped. Even now, though, I think I'd quite like it if people had ignored me rather than actually actively bullied me.
Ugh, I hate that word. It makes me feel like such a victim, and I always protest that it never was that bad. Was it, though? I look back and god, I feel awful just thinking about it. That makes me sound a bit emo and rubbish and "NO ONE LOVES ME" and I don't like that in an LJ post. That's what it was, though. But yeah, I survived.
Back to the original point. Personally, I reckon that Jonathan is the more sympathetic characterr. He is constantly ridiculed and heckled and also has no friends, or at least no friends until he becomes Teh Evil later on. I can understand his motives to be seen in 'Superstar'. He gives no intential harm, then, just a desperate wish to be seen and loved and understood. Whereas Marcie had no such sympathy. She came across a whiny and spoilt and no better than Cordelia, which may have been the point. Either way, the episode came across as empty to me because of that.
...
And THAT was the longest review of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer I have ever given.
That's about all I've done recently, though. I have another post waiting to be written regarding the adventures of Dad, the Indiana Jones of Suburbia, as well as some great photos of him falling over the hedge (...) and possibly the best video EVER. However, that is for another time. Back to revision...
Oh, and if I don't get back on today, EVERYONE in the UK should watch The Thirteenth Warrior on ITV1 at 11pm. It's such a good film. And looking throuh the rubbishy magazine I found the listing in, there's a photo story with Peter Davison and a picture from The Five Doctors. I squeed. And took a bad photo. And put it up on LJ.
Text - Four Docs and a dummy.
All the Doctor Whos - I was the resident Doctor at the time - were reunited for a story in 1983 called The Five Doctors. But we did cheat a bit with this publicity shot. The original Doctor, William Hartnell, had died, so Richard Hurdnall (far left) pretended to be him. And Tom Baker was worried about being too readily associated with the programme, so he refused to take part and replaced in this shot by a waxwork dummy (middle). In the programme itself, they used unseen footage of Tom from when he was the Doctor. I only have happy memories of this series. It was good for my career and I still attend DoctorWho conventions. What do I think of the new show? I know I'm a traditionalist, but it seems Chris Eccleston has tried to distance himself from previouis Doctors when maybe he should at least give a nod in their direction. If it wasn't for fans of the earlier Doctors, the series would never have come back.
(Crappy photo taken by camera as scanner Be Dead)
I am also worrying about
elfnut. Stay safe and if you have the time, put out a message to let us know that you and all the elflings are okay.~Hathy_Col~
Chomsky believes that children's abiluity to learn language is completely innate and mostly genetic. As such, much of the learning is passive.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 05:57 pm (UTC)AND I DO CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, THANKS.
XD I was/am in exactly the same boat as you. I was a total freak all throughout school... had no friends for quite a long time. But then as I got older, I stopped trying to like the crap new music, pretending to speak like Ali G, desperately wanting a boyfriend, trying not to fancy girls instead. I learnt to fully accept myself for the Complete and Utter Geek that I am. I've stopped trying to be something I'm not - and I'm happier than I've ever been. I stopped thinking I hated Harry Potter just to be cool, read it and loved it. I stopped thinking I hated Lord of the Rings just to be cool, watched it and loved it. I found that there were other geeks like me who obsessed, who I could obsess with, though even they still think I'm a freak sometimes XD. The internet played a large part in this too- especially with slash. I thought I was a total freak, and I was so relieved when I found out that there are millions of other freaks like me, too.
>_> [/emo]
And of course I remember the Moomins. They have scarred me for life with their scary Russian antics.
And oooh oooh Thirteenth Warrior!! I want to see that!! Thanks for saying, or I wouldn't have known... Psh to having to get up early for exams... psh to revision...
And hahahahaha, Perter Davison = hot. >_>;;;;;; I must say, I was quite dissapointed when Doctor the 9 wasn't wearing crazy clothes. But oh well. At least he has crazy... ears.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 06:17 pm (UTC)okay so im not sure if those are the actual words but meh i dont see anyone else singing em!
*hugs* if it makes you feel better i had the crap kicked out of me by a nasty liverpudlian whos entire purpose in life was to make me feel like shite!
and cheers very much for the movie reminder, ill try and catch it tonight1
xx
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:14 pm (UTC)Also, nasty Liverpudlians were often my problem. Well, fake Liverpudlians.
The movie ROCKS; I hope you saw it!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:09 pm (UTC)Oh, the trying to fancy boys thing. Hooboy. That had a whole new level of entertainment in a Catholic school. Fortunately I have Liberal And Trendy Parents, so apart from the crap I still get every so often I have never had angst over that. Peculiar, really.
There are other freaks. Isn't it wonderful? I can barely believe me luck at times, and Christ, I'm glad I'm a nerd in this decade and not the one before. Fandom without the internet???? Unthinkable.
The Moomins were COOL. Although Paint!Moonins could be a fandom by themselves.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 06:37 pm (UTC)I do think being actively bullied would have been worse, or if not, at least as hellish in its own, particularly piquant way. It's all crap, and it's all gone. We made it here. :)
This is the only icon I have with Romana in it. Therefore it is being used specifically for your benefit.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:11 pm (UTC)I probably grabbed onto fandom because it was a way of asserting my existence.
So, so true. And yes, we all made it. I have a flist of People Who Made It. Hell, I'm in a fandom that seems to be mostly made of People Who Made It.
AND YAY ROMANA LOVE.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 07:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-12 10:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-08 08:16 pm (UTC)Buffy really does bring up all those horrific memories, don't it?
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Date: 2005-06-09 07:13 pm (UTC)Bad teen-angst poetry and sci-fi - hurrah! *raises glass*
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Date: 2005-06-08 08:17 pm (UTC)Don't worry about sounding emo. When I was younger I had a couple of years where for one reason or another all my so-called friends quietly dropped me from the friendship group I was in. I think it was because I clashed with the one girl you could call the Queen Bee. For you it was your hair, for me it was the fact that I spoke differently to everyone else (I grew up around a load of chavs but actually pronounce my t's.) It varied between ignoring me and active bullying. "Ya posh cow! Fink you're bettah than us do ya?!" Ahem. That made me gravitate towards writing stories. Pages and pages, whole notebooks scrawled with stuff. And through that I made some friends, got my confidence.
It makes me feel like such a victim, and I always protest that it never was that bad
I can relate to that so much. But yeah... just to say I know where you're coming from.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 01:07 am (UTC)Both things- active bullying and indifference- are equally destructive, specially in the formative years of our lives. I'd strongly suggest you read "odd girl out", it talks about the subtle yet highly refined bullying among girls.
I've always been the odd one myself, but then again I've always been terrible shy. thnk goodness somehow I managed to make a couple of good, faithful friends with whom I hanged out all the time. We were a small group, mostly geeks, but we were ok. And we enjoyed the shit out of each other.
What's it with the hair anyway?
Don't loose sleep over the driving thing. the world is not, to my knowledge, going to end tomorrow. it did not end because you did not get it first, did it? You can always try again, and again.
And just in case i never said it I think you're one of the bravest people I know.
Luv,
Sheyla
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:22 pm (UTC)Girls are such bitches. I had problems with lads too - because, y'know, what's more fun than threatening a small and geeky 13 year old girl? - but girls are always the worst.
The hair thing? God knows what it is, but it used to be longer, thicker and wilder when I was younger. I have no idea why people had a problem with it, but it's genetic. Dad used to get picked on because of this type of hair when he was younger, I had awful problems, my younger sister does too. It's very strange, but I thinkit's because it is so very different. It's almost afro-carribean in texture. I can't really explain, to be honest.
*huggles* Hun, you're great. I'm so glad you're in my life.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 05:27 pm (UTC)Sounds comlicated. You mean it like curly, with the really tiny curls or tiny, tight waves? Anyway, We don't sweat much over that down here because that kind of hair is common, but I can see you having trouble about it. I'd suggest those tiny afro braids but I don't know if they would make the bullying worse. In any case, you should be able to wear your hair as you damn well please.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 05:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 11:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 05:37 pm (UTC)Thanks, love, lotsa huggles!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:23 pm (UTC)(By the way... that icon makes me all shivery. I have no idea. Orlando isn't normally my thing when he's not dressed up as Legolas!)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 05:46 pm (UTC)...
and i remember the moomins.
and woo and yay at the doctor...
and woo and yay at chomsky... the child language acquisition device is about the only thing of his that we can't disprove though, yeah?
i think eventually a lot of people who've been "bullied" (i hate the word too, much the same reasoning) kind of gravitate towrds one another... it kind of marks you out, even if it's only in your own mind, and hopefully you (we) tend to be more sympathetic to other people on the edges of society.. that's why you have so many loving friends saying "me too!"
lol
xxx
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 08:13 pm (UTC)Unfortunately, I'm probably not the best person to do it: being ignored seems to be something that, if it happens at all, happens more to girls than to boys – I think it's too subtle a method of bullying for most of the male population to comprehend. But here goes.
I think the main problem with being ignored is that you don't really have anything you can "fight back" at. For example, with verbal bullying, you can make fun of the people who insult you. (The best example I can come up with on the spot is the word "EEEE" in your quote "EEEE YOU BIG LESBIAN!" Sorry. :P)
If you're being ignored, on the other hand, there's nothing like that that you can do. Certainly, you can try to fight back by ignoring the people who are ignoring you, but if they're already ignoring you they're unlikely to notice. You can't even really go to somebody else for help, because it doesn't really seem like anybody is doing anything to you.
In Marcie's defence, I think maybe that feeling of helplessness, of being unable to do anything, might be worse than what you get from other sorts of bullying.
Admittedly, different types of bullying probably have different effects on different people. And like I said, I can't speak from experience of being ignored. (12 years of experience of just about every other sort of bullying, but never that.)
Hmmm. I'm sure I had a better argument than this at the time. But oh well. I tried.